Balance
Today would have to have been marked as a somewhat low point on my
happiness scale if it were not for a piece of news and an accidental
stumbling-upon of the xanga of an acquaintance from college. The
novelty of a new lab setting has worn off considerably, while (probably
mostly self-induced) pressure to really get started on background
research for my project has ramped up. A car deal fell through at the
last minute yesterday, which left me feeling rueful but glad for the
life lesson (make the deal first, then
get the car DX’d in) immediately afterwards, but the realization this
morning that we’re back to square one sapped my energies a bit. This,
combined with an interesting but long lab meeting and two long shuttle
trips, dragged my spirits down by the end of the afternoon. At the end
of the last shuttle trip, I heard from an elated J that he had
passed his quals (as a first-year). It was refreshing to hear such good tidings.
The evening consisted of buying some chairs, eating dinner and setting
up a rudimentary work station so I could start working on my
presentation for tomorrow. Halfway through organizing papers for type
up, I got hit by a wave of boredom, what I believe to be my first since
I started research on the project. Following that came a wave of
anxiety as I wondered what sort of a two-year stint I’d gotten myself
into, whether it will all turn out to be worthwhile, and not deviate
too much from my numerous hopes and expectiations. To distract myself I
scuttled into thefacebook.com and checked the list of friends with
recently updated profiles. A name popped out at me, that of a girl one
year my senior whom I have known as a friend. I’ve often (unbeknownst
to her) admired her from afar, not only for her intellect but also for the joie de vivre that
translates, for her, into a vibrant kaleidoscope of interests as well as a
quietly buoyant personality infused with warmth. There are many people
I’ve known who possess the energy, enthusiasm and talent to carry out a
haphazard lifestyle I might call that of the “overachieving dilettante”
– encompassing various hobbies and activities, but lacking coherence, balance, or
a serious intention to pursue them over an extended period of time.
Almost three years ago, I wrote an entry in my online journal – an ode
to “a few good women”, one of whom was the aforementioned individual.
brilliant without being socially inept weirdos or unapproachable pricks
(men tend to do that I think- the smarter they are the.. odder.. they
are).. these girls each possess an inner radiance, a kind of quiet
yet strong confidence that tilts their chins up high and gives them a
buoyant and graceful stride, clear eyes and thoughtful demeanor. I
find these people incredibly attractive.
So the xanga of hers I stumbled upon turned out to be relatively
new
with only a handful of pages, which was a fortunate thing as I easily could
have spent the night reading all of the entries (though of course,
I am now spending a precious part of my night typing this entry). They
were thoughtful, funny, well-crafted accounts, refreshingly devoid of
bitterness, pessimism, pretentiousness, unnecessarily flippant
or crass humor that can depreciate even the most wittily entertaining
and intellectually stimulating composition. There are many things I
could comment on, such as how I can empathize with her search for
independence, or how I became acutely aware of my need to exercise much
more than I am now. But above all, the image formed by her entries –
that of an active and happy lifestyle, dedicated to work without
neglecting the good stuff or forgetting to enjoy the present – made me
hang my head with shame, but also evoked a surge of hope, and renewal.
So a reminder to myself: Work hard now so as to hit the ground running,
but once things settle down let’s pursue that elusive balanced state.