Go and rescue Kitty from the cave!

X-men… Juggernaut… the memories come rushing back. Me and my boys used to play the X-Men video game at Putt-Putt all the time. The fresh one with the two screens side by side, and up to six simultaneous players.

At the end of one of the levels, you have to beat Juggernaut. He looks kinda wuss in the game compared to in the comic books, and keeps on saying “Juggernaut will crush you!” But he doesn’t crush you, unless you’re really off that day, because you know exactly how to whup him.

Whoever’s playing Nightcrawler (i.e. me) does most of the work. Here’s the recipe:

Run circles around his big slow ass, doing jump kicks to the back of his head. If you’re playing well he’ll never even touch you. After a couple of these kicks, he’ll fall down to a sitting position. Now the key to a truly artful Juggernaut beatdown is this: the first (two?) times he falls down, he’s still capable of getting up surprisingly quickly and hitting you with his club. Inelegant and possibly dangerous. So, these times, you go up to him and carefully measure out six or seven bitch-slaps – it helps to say things like “Ss!” and “What then!” and “Can’t whup nobody!” as you’re doing this. Then step back, let him stand up again – and kick him in the back of the head again, until he falls over.

The third time he falls down is the key. This time, he won’t get up if you beat him hard enough. So now everyone mobs him and commences the gaffling, until he’s flat on his back. Repeat as needed.

That’s how you whup Juggernaut.

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