Desultor

Normally I hand dry that black skillet, but I figured what the heck!

As I was walking to get a sandwich for lunch, I saw a cracked-open lighter lying on the sidewalk – the long kind, like you use for a barbecue or fireplace. I wondered why someone would have done that, and a block later was still enveloped in my own fantasies of somehow saving the day (maybe it’s cold or something?), despite people’s fretful cautions, by using a jackknife (but which one?!) to incise my party’s last lighter at both ends, get the butane out with minimal spillage, and get the life-saving fire started…

My reverie was interrupted by the sight of a small, low cloud of smoke on a sidestreet. It was coming from an apartment building’s knee-high keep-off-the-grass hedgerow; it looked like the mulch was smoldering somewhat vigorously. A guy, of grad student age and mien, was alternating between desultorily poking at the smokier spots with his foot and looking at his cell phone.

Desi (approaching): Is everything all right?
Guy: Uh, this seems to be kind of on fire.
Desi: Yeah, looka that, that one bush is actually burning! Well, with the mulch (starting to edge the smoldering mulch onto the sidewalk with a shoe corner) the smolder travels underneath, you see, (stepping into hedge to kick more lustily and effectively) you gotta get the whole layer away. (Really ripping into it now – almost no mulch remains – kicking the burning bush to knock the burning parts off)
Old Lady Walking By: That’s beautiful.
Desi: Huh?
Old Lady: (nods head toward flowerbed further back in yard)
Desi: Oh, aren’t they lovely? I don’t work here though – we just noticed this mulch was smoldering, so we were getting it onto the concrete.
Old Lady (walking off): Well, you’ve done a good deed, young man!

The Guy left after a bit too, and I cleaned up the last little bits. After watching the remains of the mulchbed for a minute or two for any other signs of smoke, I decided to go a half-block further, order my sandwich, and check again for smoke when I’d placed the order. Just at that moment, I heard sirens in the distance. Fearing cops, I started to walk away at a normal pace, trying not to look back or fixate too much on the horizon.

The sirens passed me – they belonged to a firetruck – and I could hear them turn the corner and stop where I had been standing. At this point, I began to regret fleeing the scene, on the theory that I might be able to tell them something useful. So I went back.

Desi: That mulch was just burning.
Surly Boston Fireman: That’s what we’re here for.
Desi: I sort of kicked it onto the sidewalk.
S.B.F.: (nods coldly)
Desi: (nods and walks away)

Fifteen minutes later, sandwich in hand, I walked back by. The firemen were still there, drinking coffee and keeping an eye on the mulch.

More mixing bowls!

Biking in to work today. Breakfast sandwich in my jacket pocket, coffee in my right hand. Nonchalant, self-satisfied.

I’m on the sidewalk. The paper-wrapped sandwich falls out of my pocket onto the ground; I squeeze the left-hand brake. This bike, still pretty new to me, has good brakes, and shocks in front.

The action of the brake slows down the bicycle, and compresses the shocks several inches, dropping the front of the bike. I am still riding high, and haven’t slowed down nearly as much as the bike has. I do what any object which knows its Newton would do, and pitch headlong over the front of the bike. My knees catch the handlebars as I’m going over. This starts me rotating so as to increase the speed with which my head is approaching the sidewalk. The bike, which knows its Newton too, picks up an opposite and equal rotational momentum. This lifts its back end in the beginning of a glorious arc which will allow the entire bike to land upside down on top of me when I hit the pavement.

In the end, I’m very little hurt. A bit rough on the palms, and a slightly sore neck (and some new little cracks in the front of my helmet). And, most marvelously of all, I didn’t even spill my coffee!

I don’t usually do silverware in the bottom part, but hey!