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 Last
week I got one of those phone calls every parent dreads. Actually, there
are a number of phone calls that parents dread. This one was somewhere
on the seriousness scale between "send money" and "send lawyers, guns
and money".
The specific sort of call involved was the "I’m getting married" variety. The
specific child involved is my
22-year-old son currently living high in
the Peruvian Andes trying to turn a gorgeous but off-the-beaten-track
property I bought back in my rambling days, before he was born, into
a hostel.
As the phone conversation went on, the story got weirder and weirder.
Said son, who has been working on this project for over a year, was coming
back to the states to get married – in Atlanta, where his mother lives,
over Christmas vacation, less than two months from now. Furthermore,
he was marrying a young Peruvian woman named Cuci (pronounced "kooky")
– who happens to be his first cousin!
As the plot unfolded, it became apparent that this was not a case of
forbidden love at first sight. Rather, it was an ingenious plot
to simultaneously defraud the immigration authorities of both the United
States and the Republic of Peru. Joey, although he was actually born
in Peru, grew up here, graduated from Cambridge Rindge and Latin High
School, and carries only an American passport. As a legal Gringo, he
has to leave Peru for 25 hours every three months, just to renew his
tourist visa. The trip to the nearest border (Ecuador) takes three
days, and while Joey reports it was kind of fun the first few times,
I guess the novelty is wearing thin.
So he figures marrying a full-bloodded Peruvian is the easiest way to
regularize his visa status down there. Meanwhile, Cuci has been visiting
her aunt in Atlanta, and is having visa problems as well. With a job
at the Atlanta Convention Center, suddenly going back to her studies
and dead-end position in a doctor’s office in Lima seems like a short-cut
to nowhere and a fate worse than death. Solution – marry an American.
Upon hearing the details, I broke out laughing, obviously not the reaction
young Joe was hoping for. "Why are you laughing? I’m serious."
"Just be prepared for your children to be mongoloid idiots. It’s not
so bad, take it from me."
"C’mon Dad, it’s not gonna be that kind of marriage.." Completely missing
the subtle putdown.
"This whole thing is your Mother’s idea, isn’t it?" As soon as the details
came out, I recognized my first wife’s paw prints all over it. Just the
sort of hair brained, borderline illegal scheme she was continually hatching.
"Sorta," he reluctantly admitted.
"Joey, she’s your first cousin! As far as I know that’s against the
law, at least around here." Although who knows what the law is in Georgia
I thought but didn’t say.
"That’s the beauty of it," Joey explained, as though to an idiot ignorant
of the art of the scam. Hrrumph – I was committing felonies before he
was
born, "They’ll never suspect, since we have different names and come
from so far apart. Then if we need to dissolve the marriage we
can say we didn’t know we were cousins!"
At that moment I feared for his future, if he believed for one moment
a scheme like that had a prayer in hell. His only excuse was that
the evil plot had been hatched by his dear mum. Which was the other
reason I could laugh, and was not worried. None of the plans or
schemes of my ex ever really come to much, certainly not one as complex
and dubious as this. Nevertheless, the woman can do a great deal
of damage even with the best of intentions. And Joey is perfectly capable
of calling next week and telling me he is marrying an Incan princess.
Such is life.
Anyway, it is truly beautiful in the little town where Joey is, which
is why I bought the land, along a small mountain river, in the first
place. I understand he has started taking in guests although he continues
to construct more guest cabanas. Contact information available on
request. Let me will close with a snapshot of the view from a friends
bedroom balcony.
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“Just be prepared for your children to be mongoloid idiots.”
Not really relevant to your post, but as a man soon to be married to a young Mongolian woman, I wanted to point out that my fiance could never get used to that term. As she complains, “We don’t call kids with Downs Syndrome “caucazoid” in Mongolia.”
Are you for real? I know you have the “this is fiction” text on the side of your page, so I have to ask. So if this is real, are you not worried that you have now created a publicly accessible record of your son’s premeditated illegal intentions?
Have you considered that I posted this as a way to dissuade him from even attempting such a ludicrous move? He can’t very well do it NOW…..
Ahhh! As a non-parent that had not crossed my mind! Excellent! Good work!
And if your posting the information doesn’t dissuade him from going through with the plan, at least you’ll save lots of money on holiday presents for the next 25 years after your blog entry is used as evidence to put him in the pen for that long. I hope there’s no provision of the “Patriot” Act that applies to this …
Very nice blog.
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