Celestial Solutions

Events in the Dowbrigade’s world are coming to a head. Creditors circling
like vultures, career options drying up, the mother lode of rich incoherent
foreigners petering out, suspicious strangers with inconspicuous earpieces
seemingly everywhere, just standing, watching….

It is becoming increasingly clear that but one path remains out of this
morass of miscalculation and damaged dreams.  Fortunately, it is
a path the Dowbrigade has been planning on following for years, a last-ditch
escape hatch, and one with an illustrious history in legend, folklore
and real-life history.  The Dowbrigade is going to found a new religion.

Putting aside the theological considerations for a moment, from a fiduciary
point of view it would be manna from heaven.  Besides the obvious
tax benefits, the potential revenue from digital dispensations, votive
candles, designer sacraments, subscription-only newsletters, on-line
faith-based
fund raising campaigns, recycled publications, consecrated vestments, educational
retreats, cross-promotions, and tithing of the faithful but brain dead would choke a Croesus.

Of course, a successful religion has to offer something substantial
to its adherents. I mean besides inner peace and tax deductions.  Here
is where we get wicked ingenious.  Our new religion would celebrate
all the major American holidays (Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Valentines
Day, Super bowl Sunday), but we will celebrate them A WEEK AFTER EVERYONE
ELSE! That way, we will be able to take advantage of Half-Price Halloween
Candy!, Big After Christmas Sales, and Deeply-slashed, Open-box High-Definition
TV’s!  Wrapping paper and Hallmark Cards 50% Off! I see smart shoppers
converting in droves.

Now, we are not joking about this project. Look how well the More-Mons
have done.  Imagine, a religion founded by a guy named "JOE SMITH"
in a place like Elmira, New York.  Yeah, right! I grew up near Elmira,
and let me tell you, I’ve never seen a LESS religious spot. And have
you ever seen that movie they show at the Mother Church in Salt Lake
City? Christ does pre-Columbian Central America? Who knew?

Or Scientology, which certainly deserves some sort of P.T. Barnum Award.
  Founded by a Science Fiction Writer! Who wrote a novel outlining
the fantastic plot before he turned it into reality! And now Tom Cruse
is a member! Even some Mensa members are Scientologist’s.

Brilliant, sacred examples like these inspire the Dowbrigade!  Anything
is possible!  The sky’s the limit! This is clearly an idea
whose time has come, and not a moment too soon.  Now all we need
is a little divine intervention, a healthy dose of dogma and a cannon
or two.

Obviously,
dealing with Man’s relationship with the Infinite is no joking matter,
and we
have
given
much thought to the theological content of our new religion. Celibacy
for adherents or leaders is clearly out, for starters. We may not go as far as
some of the Greek Dionysian temples, but would favor leaning in that
direction.

Unfortunately,
the Dowbrigade is so innately ecumenical and empathetic that the body
of belief so far resembles the bar scene in the original Star Wars if
every weird alien were the Messiah of his, her or its species.  My
deeply ingrained but repressed Jewish mysticism forms a backdrop to a mad
mishmash
of Rastafarianism
and
Zoroastrianism, Tantric Zen and the Andean Pachamama sect.  Lounging
around our Pantheon one can spy a blue man flute group, a blank-eyed
congenital idiot and a six-armed elephant-head
who definitely does NOT appear to be a Republican.

Add a pinch of B’ahai and some serious Kabala symbolism, the San Pedro
cult ceremonies of the Sacred
Psychedelic Cactus, the Rites of
Eleusis and occasional cameos from Loki, Monkey and Dido, the Wandering
One. We pitch a big tent.  Room for anyone who buys into the lazy
fair, laid-back modus operandi. Welcome aboard.

As to the Dowbrigade’s official role in this new religion, I am wavering
between Prophet and Oracle.  Prophet provides more opportunity for
dramatic public appearances, but Oracle has that air of mystery and mysticism,
which would cover all sorts of ecstatically inebriated behavior. In a
moment of irrational exuberance we considered Messiah, but that role
demands
a
lot of works,
doing miracles
and such, and has a history of ending up badly.

So sign on now, fans, the Cardinalships are going fast.