No Offense, No Defense – My Game

The Dowbrigade learned early in this game that you can’t please
all of the people all of the time.  In one of my very first blog
postings, I reported, in what I thought was a somber and equitable manner,
on the
tragic
death of a Massachusetts English teacher whose car was struck
by a Moose, or visa versa. Equitable because the post lamented the loss
of life on both sides of the collision.

Since the original article was unillustrated, and we didn’t wish to
photographically implicate an uninvolved moose in the incident, we went
with a drawing of our favorite fantasy moose, the ever-amicable Bullwinkle.

Sure enough, we soon got an offended comment from one Aaron Shafer,
a friend of the human deceased, who accused the Dowbrigade of "very poor
taste."

Thus began a series of offenses against decency and decorum of which
we are neither proud nor repentant. One persistent complaint does bother
us, however, and because of the respect we have for its author we would
like to address it.

Somewhat to our personal chagrin, the Dowbrigade’s all-time most-read
post was the unforgettable "Gadzooks!
Fellatio Reduces Breast Cancer Risk". Almost immediately the Dowbrigade
received notes from numerous helpful readers informing us that the site
promoting the supposed finding was a hoax. Frankly, the most surprising
aspect of the whole affair to us is that ANYBODY took the story seriously.

One reader in particular insisted that we print a retraction. Richard,
whose blog Just a Gwai Lo is dynamite and definitely worth a read, felt
we had an obligation to explain that the linked site was not "really"
CNN. We disagreed, for the following reasons.

1) As our prominently displayed disclaimer clearly states "The Dowbrigade
is FICTION. I am not a journalist, nor do I vouch for the veracity of
any of the items I pass along. If you do not have a sense of humor, please
go away." 

2) The only comment accompanying the article said, "Who knew? Who knows?
Judge for yourself…" This was meant to be a tip-off that we were not
vouching for the source.

3) The Gadzooks! in the title was another perhaps-too-subtle hint.

4) The first four comments on the posting declared in no uncertain terms
"THIS IS A HOAX"

For all of these reasons we did not think it necessary to post a retraction.  However,
we hate to see Richard so upset, so here goes: The article on Fellatio
and Breast Cancer was a hoax! Who knew?

These are not isolated instances.  It seems that almost everything
we post offends someone, somewhere. Sometimes the offense is a question
of political correctness.  Last month, in a posting
on my son’s then impending and now canceled marriage, we obliquely
referred to him as a "mongolian idiot". Almost immediately a comment
flew in from the
Marmot in Korea, another blogger
we like, reporting that HE was about to wed, wouldn’t you know it, a
wonderful Mongolian
woman, and they were both deeply offended.

Now, we always thought Mongoloidism was a medical term, like Elephantiasis
or Siamese Twins or Crone’s Disease, which had become divorced from whatever entomological
origin originally spawned it. Is this not akin to the Native American
groups currently asking the Cleveland Indians to change their name? Are
we going to get flamed
by
Gypsies every
time we gripe about being gypped by unscrupulous merchants? Every time
we castigate Godless Sodomites, will the descendents of the original
inhabitants of the Biblical city of Sodom descend on us in righteous
indignation?  Will those same Native Americans so upset about the
Atlanta Braves start carping about Americas fixation with Siouxing anything
that moves? Should the Dowbrigade, as a Jew, be offended every time we see the word Jeweler, for its association with averice and concentrated wealth? So Sioux me….

It should be obvious by this point that trying not to offend is a losing
battle.  The Dowbrigade, therefore, has decided to take off on a
daring new tack.  Our new goal is to, before we are done, offend
EVERYBODY at least once.  How are we doing? Have we offended you
yet?