Al-gebra Cult Zombifies Nation’s Youth

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual
later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying
to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide
rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, an official said he believes the man
is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged
by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", he said. "They desire
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents
in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and
refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles
used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft
declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, he said "If God had wanted
us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given
us more fingers and toes."

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that
it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing
to
disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love
to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," he said, adding: "Under
the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point,
and draw the line."

He warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential
to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen
unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in
random facts of vertex."

He said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here
is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply,
their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks…."

From UtterlyBoring (thanks
Jay)