Archive for October 22nd, 2004

WBUR Steals Dowbrigade Lunch Money

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We
knew something was up as soon as we arrived to work yesterday morning
to find our building surrounded by cops, squad
cars illegally parked on each corner, and a line of Boston City and State
Police motorcycles out back, lining the appropriately named Dummer St.
A gang of elegantly suited but inherently dangerous looking individuals
with antennae growing out their ears were blocking the doorway from
the garage to the lobby, where the hard -core smokers hang out when the
weather is bad.

As it instinctually is in situations like these, out first
thought was that the gig was up, and some forgotten incident in our
checkered past had finally caught up with us. However, when we heard
some of the surly secret agents conversing with their lapels in a familiar
foreign tongue and cadence, we were able to place them.  Mossad!

Memories of our teenaged detention and deportation from
the Holy Land at the hands of this most secret of secret services came
flooding back like a tidal wave of hot ethnic glue. Their parting words,
as they
put
us
on
the plane
at
Lod Airport had been "We’ll be keeping an eye on you." Had we somehow,
after all the years, run afoul of the International Jewish Conspiracy
once
again?

So it was with some relief upon gaining our office to learn
that we learned the big to-do was the presence upstairs, in the broadcast
studio of WBUR, the local NPR affiliate
with whom we share a building, of former
Israeli
Prime Minister Shimon Peres
, architect of the Oslo Peace Accords.  We
managed to catch part of the interview from our car.  Peres sounded
surprisingly optimistic. He predicted a comprehensive Middle Eastern
Peace Agreement
within five years.  From his lips to God’s ear, as we say…..

Working downstairs from WBUR is
a mixed blessing.  Sometimes
they call us upstairs to collect leftover chicken and tuna wraps and
the flavors of soda no body else wanted after they throw a catered conference
or meeting.  Being ESL teachers pathetically thankful for any semblance
of a perc, we trot upstairs and grovel thankfully.  On the other
hand, we strongly suspect it is they who call Tony’s Towing EVERY time
we try to park downstairs
in the garage with an expired parking sticker. But we never
really wished them ill, being a non-profit and all, until today.

Now, in order to make ends meet, the Dowbrigade has a whole
slew of low- and no- paying side jobs in a variety of industries, including
serving as webmaster and web journal editor for a small but elite public
relations firm with numerous public sector clients whose owner, an old
friend from college days, wishes to remain anonymous within the confines
of this blog, for obvious reasons.

Said friend last month reported he was sending on a check
for the princely sum of $344, for services rendered. The fact that it
had
still not arrived was neither surprising nor unprecedented, and the Dowbrigade
by nature is the kind of person who only thinks about money when he has
none. However, today our erstwhile part-time employer reported receiving
a nice letter from WBUR thanking him for his donation of $344! The cheeky
bastards!  They cashed our check!

How, you may ask (as did we), could they not have noticed
that the check was not made out to WBUR, but rather to a teacher who
worked downstairs? It took us a minute to figure it out, and then the
light went on. They thought it was directed to the OTHER
MICHAEL FELDMAN
,
whose show, Whad’ya Know? is carried
on their station!  They thought
it was a contributor so enamored by that piece of whimpylib propaganda
that they wanted to send in a nice round amount for its perpetuation
and diffusion!

You can be sure that Monday morning, bright and early,
we will be up there in that office, demanding our cash and threatening
a lawsuit. Why, that’s Check Fraud, or Tampering with the US Mail, or
something. We feel righteous indignation welling up just thinking about
it.  We are capable of making a major scene. As long as there aren’t
any of those Mossad agents still hanging around….

Peres story from the WBUR
Website

STEINBRENNER ACQUIRES NUCLEAR WEAPON

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Trades
Alex Rodriguez to Kim Jong-Il: More Proof of Links Between the Evil Empire
and the Axis of Evil

New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner acquired
a nuclear weapon today
in
a transaction
that sent slugger Alex Rodriguez and an undisclosed sum of cash
to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il.

While national security experts were divided over what possible use Kim might
have for the All-Star infielder, there was unanimity of opinion about Mr. Steinbrenner’s
plans for his newly-minted nuclear arsenal.

"The warhead that George Steinbrenner has acquired, if deployed on a ballistic
missile he already owns, could reach Fenway Park in a matter of minutes," said
Donaldson Tobin of the University of Minnesota.

Dr. Tobin, who studies the complex web of relationships between rogue states
and baseball owners, said that no one should be surprised by the transaction
between Mr. Steinbrenner and Kim Jong-Il: "They’ve been friends since the late
1980’s when they met at an Axis of Evil golf outing in Scottsdale."

from the
Borowitz Report via Megastyles

We Warned Our Students

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We
warned our students
to stay away from Kenmore Sq. Although it is practically
part of the Boston University campus, Kenmore Square, the
Foyer of Fenway Park, crowned by the iconic CITGO sign, has become Celebration
Ground Zero after any exceptional Boston sports victory, and a dangerous place to party.

After a Superbowl victory (which are becoming mundane these days) or
a pennant clinching victory over the Yankees, it is sure as bad weather
in New England that a young and intoxicated crowd will gather in Kenmore
Square, bent on destructive celebration and extensive property damage.
Considering the volatile mixture of alcohol, adrenaline, hormones and
extraneous psychotropic chemicals, it is no wonder things get out of
hand. Last night 21-year-old Emerson College journalism major Victoria
Snelgrove was killed when hit in the eye by a pepper spray ball fired
by Boston Police.

The incident happened at 1:30 am, 90 minutes after the Sox beat the
Yanks in the Bronx. Even when the cause of the celebration is centered
elsewhere and the crowd is not fed by 35,000 fans exiting Fenway, these
riots are fed from various sources; the legions of impaired patrons exiting
the many bars and bistros on Lansdowne St. and Kenmore Square itself,
students from nearby BU dorms who pour into the Square in anticipation
of the party and action, students from other Boston area colleges who
pour into cars, or take the subway to get in on the action, suburban
high school kids who have been drinking all afternoon and evening who
think it would be a hoot to hit the Square and celebrate with the college
kids.

Together they turn Kenmore Square into a Free-for-All zone where it
is OK to smoke dope in the streets, girls take off their tops and flash
the crowd, cars are overturned and the police defied and taunted. OK,
we have to admit it sounds like a lot of fun. But as the unfortunate
Victoria Snelgrove would testify, were she still around, all things in
moderation.

Now the authorities are talking about taking extreme measures, like
banning liquor sales at bars during the World Series, prohibiting bars and restaurants from showing live broadcasts of the games (right, like that would be possible) or putting a curfew
over the student ghettos and Kenmore Square during the games. Another
excuse for the Police State to strut their stuff. Wise up, kids, and
keep it off camera.

from the
Boston Herald