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 NEW
YORK – The Dowbrigade has learned, from his confidential but strategically
placed sources, that the current unprecedented cold,
rainy weather affecting the Boston area may not be an entirely natural
phenomena.
Reports out of the CDD
National Emergency Preparedness Center in Washington, and
confirmed by a a highly placed official in the National
Weather Service on condition of anonymity, suggest that a lovelorn
physicist, long-time resident of Cambridge, may be affecting the weather
in an attempt to get back at the woman who left him for her Pilates instructor.
The individual in question has not been officially named
as a suspect in the bad weather, but is rather being referred to as "a
person of interest." According to sources at MIT, where
he is believed to have graduated from, he has been identified as Percy
Farquand. His current whereabouts are unknown.
Farquand, described by MIT officials as "One of
the most brilliant undergraduates we have had on campus in 50 years," graduated
in the late 1990’s with a double major on meteorology and geomagnetism
and immediately went to work for the US Government, first with NASA and
then the top-secret NIA.
According to Filbert Cunningham, who described himself
as "a close personal friend of Percy, before he went off the deep
end,"
Farquand’s long-time girlfriend, an exotic dancer from Danvers, accompanied
him to Houston, and later to an "undisclosed location" near
a classified military base, but she eventually grew bored, and frustrated
by the separation
from her friends. Eventually, she left Farquand and moved back
to Boston.
Friends and acquaintances date the separation as the
point at which the brilliant young researcher became dangerously estranged
from reality.
"He would call at all hours of the day and night," according
to the young woman’s roommate. At first he was polite, but then he
started threatening to do things I didn’t understand. He was talkin’
crazy, but all scientific-like."
After repeated attempts to convince his ex to return
to his side, Farquand began threatening not only the woman and her family,
but the entire city of Boston and the New England region. "You’re
going to be sorry, it’s all your fault, you don’t know who you are dealing
with here," he reportedly ranted, "I can PUT OUT THE SUN. I
can CANCEL SUMMER!"
It is unknown how Farquand is managing to affect the
weather on such a massive scale, but his last known research was dealing
with using Super-Magnets to create localized anomalies in the Earth’s
magnetic
field.
Meanwhile, military sources report that Farquand is
AWOL from his latest security-related research position in a classified
army base. Rumors have placed him everywhere from Goa to Sri Lanka to
Paraguay.
The object of his unnatural desires, a 24-year-old from
Easter Island, has been "sequestered" by authorities hoping
to convince Farquand to ease up on the Northeast. She has reportedly
agreed to relocate outside of New England, but refuses to apologize
or return
to the "mad
scientist".
"That man crazier than a vampire bat on crack
cocaine. No way am I going back to that pathetic geek." In addition,
she is supposedly demanding a sizable "re-settlement" payment
from the federal government, which is hoping that at least removing her
from
the region
will remove
Farquand’s motivation for wreaking weather havoc. Improving weather during the next few days would be an indication that the Federal strategy has worked, for the time being at least. Meteorologists across
the region are standing by…
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