Miami Heat Out of Playoffs Pending Investigation

The
entire Miami Heat basketball team was suspended from league play today
by NBA Commissioner David Stern. The suspensions
were announced simultaneously with the launch of an investigation of
players and some coaching staff for "inappropriate touching, hugging,
butt-patting and jumping on top of each other with open legs."

Until the investigation is complete, none of the players
will be allowed to appear in a game, creating difficulties for the Heat
in their playoff series with the Detroit Pistons, currently tied at a
game apiece.

According to anonymous sources in the league office,
an unnamed player filed a complaint with the Commissioner’s Office to
the effect that he, "felt sexually intimidated" and was subjected to
"unwanted intimate touching and groping."

According to Dr. Pat Franahan, an expert in sexual harassment
in the workplace who serves on the board of the Massachusetts Association
to Control Hostile Actions (MACHA), "Although sexually charged touching
is common in all professional sports, the problem is particularly acute
in basketball because of the skimpy uniforms and silk shorts. In addition,
their official uniform shirts are what are commonly referred to as ‘wife
beaters’."

Another unnamed sources close to the investigation said
that league officials are pouring over Heat game tapes, looking for "patterns
of excessive or uncalled for physical contact with possible sexual connotations."
They are especially interested manual-gluteus contact, and according
to the source are electronically timing the duration of all such contact.

Sources say Commissioner Stern has yet to rule on how
many seconds of manual-gluteus contact are legal before the touching
becomes possible sexual harassment.

The suspensions come a week after the Dallas Maverick’s Jason Terry was suspended for grabbing Michael Finley of The San Antonio Spurs by the groin.

In
addition to specific actions by particular players, the investigation
reportedly includes team officials and Miami Heat as a corporate entity,
for "engendering an atmosphere conducive to and tolerant of physical
sexual harassment" and maintaining facilities, including the playing
court at American Airlines Arena, locker
areas, whirlpool and physical therapy areas, where unwarranted and unwanted
hugs and other touching took place.

Coach Pat Riley stands by his players. "I really don’t
think there was anything sexual involved. Antoine Walker is just a very
emotional guy. He was doing the same stuff in Boston, plus the Wiggle!
And Shaq, he’s just a big teddy bear. He tries to hug everyone!"

As to the identity of the complaining player, Riley quipped, “I don’t know who she is and for her sake I hope I never find out.”

Results of the investigation are expected by the end
of the week, although if this target is not met or the results lead
to charges being filed, the outcome of the Miami-Detroit series would
be in the
hands of the Commissioner. Let’s keep those hands in plain sight at
all times.