Segui Denies Bizarre Side Effects of HGH

NEW YORK — Former major leaguer David
Segui admitted yesterday in an ESPN interview that he used human growth
hormone and was among the players mentioned by ex-teammate Jason Grimsley
to federal investigators. Segui added that he used the drug with a doctor’s
prescription because of a growth hormone deficiency.

Segui, who spent 15 years in the majors and retired
in 2004, said on ESPN’s “Outside the Lines" that he continues to
use HGH legally. He said he first started using the hormone after the
deficiency was found when he went for blood work before surgery during
his playing career.

from the AP

We can imagine how the conversation between David
and his doctor went……

"Well, David, while we were doing the workup to
see why its taking you so long to come back from your latest arm surgery, we came up with some unexpected results that are cause for some concern…"

"Oh, God, I knew it….What is it Doc? Give it to
me straight. AIDS? Syphilis? Lou Gerhrig disease?"

"Nothing so dire, luckily, but we did notice that
your weight was down"

"Not much appetite lately.  Thought it
was the pain killers and the greenies…"

"But then we took some more accurate measurements.  Did
you know that you are now one hundred eighty millimeters shorter than
the last time we examined you? Or that your arms, measured from armpit
to wrist, are also almost two centimeters shorter?"

"Are you nuts! There must be some mistake. Are you saying
that I’m…..SHRINKING!"

"I’m afraid so. The clincher was when
we measured your feet. You’ve lost a full shoe size."

"Jesus Christ. What’s causing it? Is there any treatment
to stop it? I don’t want to end up a midget!"

"We believe, Mr. Segui, that your condition is caused
by a very rare Total Internal Deficiency of Human Growth Hormone (TIDHCH).
Luckily, modern science HAS found a treatment – external injections of
HGH. Up until recently, HGH had to be extracted from the pineal gland
of a living human being. Since no one can live without a pineal gland,
this made collecting HGH an expensive proposition. Most of it came from
Asia and Africa and only the superstars could afford it. But now
we have learned to synthesize the stuff, and its as easy to get as silicon."

"Sounds good, but isn’t that stuff dangerous, not to
mention banned from baseball. There’s supposed to be all sorts of Cro-Magnon
side effects Are you sure its worth it?"

"Well, we haven’t had a chance to measure it yet,
but medical research shows that in cases like yours the shrinkage in the size of your maximally
aroused member will be at least as dramatic as the decline in your shoe
size and other bodily measurements…."

"How soon can we start?"