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Archive for February 12th, 2007

Drunk Drivers Exposed

Posted by glasscastle on 12th February 2007

SANTA FE — New Mexico has taken its fight against drunken driving to men’s restrooms around the state.

The state has ordered 500 talking urinal cakes that will deliver a recorded anti-DWI message to bar and restaurant patrons who make one last pit stop before getting behind the wheel.

The top of the devices feature the state DWI slogan — "You drink, you drive, you lose."

Some Albuquerque bars installed the devices this week.

And the state Transportation Department plans to distribute them to Santa Fe bars and restaurants as well as establishments in Farmington, Gallup and Las Cruces.

The state spent $21 for each talking urinal cake for the pilot program but will ask bars and restaurants to pay for future orders if the idea catches on.

from KOAT New Mexico

Turns out this is nowhere near as interesting as it could be. How about urinals that automatically do alcohol testing on the stream of urine? Think about it. All over America deadly dangerous drunken drivers on interstate highways are giving voluntary samples proving their guilt in the crime they are in the act of committing – and we ignore it!

The electronic urinal could issue a warning in cases where it detects a slight level of alcohol A small speaker mounted inconspicuously above and behind the miscreant could announce, in a menacing State Police style voice, "Excuse me, sir. It looks like you’ve had a few drinks tonight. Are you absolutely sure you are in control of your vehicle and your judgment. The State Police advise you to remain at this rest area until your blood alcohol level has fallen. Should you be apprehended for driving under the influence, your licence will be suspended. Coffee is available is vending machines outside this rest room."

In cases in which the blood alcohol level is above the legal limit, a direct alarm to the State Police Headquarters would be activated. A micro-camera facing the pisser head-in would record his features for posterity. The steely voice could announce, "You are in violation of State Law 156.88, Driving Under the Influence. Remain where you are. Do not attempt to return to your vehicle. If you do so you will be charged with leaving the scene of a crime."

The arrangement to catch female drunk drivers will have to be slightly modified, but we will leave it to a female expert to design the modifications.

Once the drunk driver has been identified, cameras mounted in the parking lots will follow him back to his car, recording the make, model and licence. How, you may ask, will the system avoid molesting drunk passengers? Simple! The answer lies in the selfsame parking lot cameras. At such close distances, they can record every face that gets out of a driver’s seat, and match them to the urinal cams! The technology exists today; it isn’t rocket science, and it isn’t even that expensive.

As to the invasion of privacy objections – wise up, wimps. Drunk drivers kill thousands of innocent people, men, women and children, every year. Using technology to get them off the streets should be a no-brainer.

The only problem we can envision is that once the plan goes into effect, drinkers will stop going to the bathroom, at least in the available public facilities. Some will try to hold it in. We now know, thanks to radio station KDND-FM, how dangerous that can be. Some will piss in empty bottles, beer cans, plastic bags, tennis ball cans, or try to. Others, desperate, will try to piss in bushes, ditches, or median strips, and be arrested for urinating in public. Many will end up pissing their pants, or their upholstery.

At any rate, drivers with alcohol in their piss would be severely inconvenienced Actually, that could be the most entertaining aspect of the entire effort. Lives would be saved, and hilarity ensued.

Posted in Wacky News | 4 Comments »