Archive for November, 2007

Comic of the Day part 2

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We knew it was genetic! Uncle Lars, if you’ve come out of it, give me a call! We’ll get together for some mishegas!

Comic of the Day, pt 1

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from Doonesbury@Slate

Of course, warriors have rushed into battle on the wings of heavy metal tunes since at least the times of Roman battle songs and Viking Valhalla chants and African battle drums. Of courses the modern generation, earbuds soldered to their helmets, are wielding those multi-million dollar weapons of localized destruction to a killer soundtrack of Heavy Death Acid Thug Thrash.

Even the battlemix is old hat. We have a friend from the old days who swears that in his days as a helicopter gunner in Vietnam, he and his crew liked nothing so much as dropping multiple hits of windowpane acid, fueling up their bird, and heading out over the impenetrable jungle on night patrol. When the acid started to kick in, they would but on their favorite Jimi Hendrix mix tape (Machine Gun, Voodoo Child and the Star Spangled Banner, no doubt) and shoot off a quarter of a million dollars (in 1970 dollars) in ordnance atomizing trees, clearings and the occasional unlucky water buffalo.

Why we lost the war, brother…..

Comic of the Day

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from Ted Rall

Devil Worshippers Lose Pro Team

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http://www.tarotreadingsecrets.com/content_images/the-devil.jpgWhen your bad reputation is exceeded only by an uninterrupted record of failure and ineptitude, sometimes the only thing to do is to change your name. Not only does this often throw creditors off the track, but can offer a psychic fresh start, a karmic reset, a new beginning. Such is desperation of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, decade-long doormats of the American League, that they have resorted to exorcising the Devil from their name.

That’s right, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are now officially just the Tampa Bay Rays! But the story behind the story is not their dismal path to baseball’s worst record (Tampa Bay has never had a .500 season in their 10-year existence); rather it is the word team officials have decided to eliminate – the “Devil” in the details! After extensive research we can definitively report that this is not an isolated incident. Rather, it is part of a concerted campaign to wipe out Merry Old Mephistopheles from our common culture, our sporting life, and our very language.

This campaign includes the depuration of morally offensive sports nicknames like “L’il Devils” “Redskins” “Braves” and “Turks” as well as sexual entendres like “The Stallions” “The Trojans” “The Beavers” and “The Cooz“. It is also part and parcel of the War on Halloween, which has lately been condemned from pulpits across America as a Godless Bonanza for candy companies and dental clinics, personally sponsored by Lucifer himself.

The latest front of this fundamentalist campaign against the Prince of Darkness and his linguistic minions attempts to purify the English Language itself. While dropping the Devil from the Rays left them with an euphonious Tampa Bay Rays, many of the other devils in our language will not be so easy to exorcise.

For example, what are we going to do with “Devil’s Food Cake”? We can’t just drop the D-word and say “Food Cake”. Is “Demon’s Food Cake” sufficiently non-ecclesiastic?

If we want to maintain alliteration and a negative message, we might transform Daredevil into “Daredoofus“. Of course, alliteration can be overrated, and if the idea is that this devil is an evil fellow, perhaps “Deviled Eggs” could become something like “Ogre Eggs”.

It may no longer be acceptable to have a “devil-may-care” attitude; instead we might refer to a “douchebag-may-care” attitude. We could replace Satan with a more modern figure of ultimate evil in proverbs like “Idle hands are the diddler’s playground.”

Getting Lucifer out of the Language is a noble idea, but like so many other things, the DooDoo is in the Details. There comes a point where we need to back off and give the Dark Dork his due. If we start messing with the English language to cater to passing political passions, there’ll be the terrorist to pay.

Cold Turkey for Hot Sports

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As we settle into the Command and Control Chair at Dowbrigade World Headquarters for our nightly session of essay correction, exercise writing, Nazi hunting, television grazing, naval gazing, Wiki writing, bitcasting, vacation planning and arcane research, we run our increasingly astounded eyes over the EyeTV channel guide.

What, no Game of the Century? No nailbiting playoff game on? No Big Three unveiling, World Championship or Division Finals? No trip to the finals, unbeaten season, record-setting streak on the line? What are we supposed to watch?

The headline sporting events on the tube tonight seem to be a college football contests between two polar regions of Michigan (Central Michigan vs Western Michigan, ESPN) and perennial powerhouses Massachusetts and Rhode Island. Nary a title on the line. A veritable sporting wasteland. We refuse to watch poker as a competitive sport on TV.

This is indeed a quandry. We have become so jaded, so addicted to a multi-feed, mashed up stream of consciousness, that we are unable to concentrate on one thing at a time. And it appears that late at night, while working on the on-line minutiae and the odds and ends of our electronic life, one of the feeds needs to be history-making, championship level sports.

When one has been dining on a steady diet of World Champions and Games of the Century, a zesty 1988 tussle between McGirt and Taylor (ESPNC) just can’t scratch the itch. This is what it must have felt like to be a Roman patrician when they ran out of Christians.

In the nick of time we remember that the tape Marty gave us Saturday of the match between Manchester City and Chelsea is outside in our tennis bag in the back of the White Whale. Now lets see if we can dig out a VHS tape player somewhere, from the Department of Outdated Technology….

Photo of the Day

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Testing the waters

from Sawse

Bad Dog (trite but so right)

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The image “http://images.usatoday.com/life/_photos/2006/05/22/chapman.jpg” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.Dog Chapman has been captured spewing foul-mouthed racist slurs on a tape obtained exclusively by The NATIONAL ENQUIRER.


And now a civil rights leader is calling for Dog’s TV show to be removed from the airwaves.

In a shocking world exclusive The ENQUIRER has obtained tapes of two revolting phone conversations in which Duane “Dog” Chapman unleashes a filthy bigoted attack, littered with the N-word and other disgusting racial insults.

The star of the A&E reality show Dog, The Bounty Hunter directed his racist hatred at his son Tucker’s girlfriend Monique Shinnery, who is black.

Listen to the audio tapes:
Warning: These tapes contain racist and offensive language.
Click here for FULL VERSION
Click here for SHORT VERSION

from the National Enquirer

Looks like the Dog really shat the bed this time. Listening to the tape, the eerie thing is that the street-smart Dog had a prescient notion of the set-up which was about to snap its steely jaws on his overgrown testicles.

The language used by the Dog makes Don Imus’ sound like a Sunday school sermon. The kind of red-neck racism and egocentric spite revealed by the boisterous bounty hunter is impossible to defend. Ah, don’t we love a challenge.

If the Dowbrigade were the Dog’s spindoctor, we would get the grizzled gladiator in front of the cameras as soon as possible, to deliver the following statement.

“You all know me from my TV show as a crime-fighter and family man, and that is what I am. Recently, a tape was illegally recorded and released which reflects me in a very bad light. My wife and I very much regret that this has occured, and sincerely appologize to anyone who was offended by my words.

To all of those who were shocked by my language, please remember the context. This was a private family phone call between myself and my son, who I was quite angry with. I was trying to warn him about his girlfriend, who I felt was conspiring against the Chapman family with the National Enquirer, trying to destroy everything we have worked so hard to accomplish. What has happened in the past few days shows that those feeling were not unfounded. I know that someday she will try to destroy my son like she has his father, but right now he doesn’t want to hear the harsh truth.

As to the language I used, that is the language I was taught as a child, and it is the language of the streets where I do my work, keeping scumbags off the street and protecting all of the decent families of America. Over the years I have learned to control my tongue, and I never use words like that around women or children, or even in public. But when I am trying to make a strong impression on my son, I use language which will grab his attention. After all, I am a bounty hunter, not a college professor. I never intended that this conversation be made public.

So I apologize for myself, and for him, and I forgive him for betraying me because I know that he is under the influence of a powerful and evil person intent on stopping our mission to clean up the streets of America. I hope we can count on your support to continue with our mission.”

Go, Dog

Scary scary costumes

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Can you spot the real Dowbrigade? On Halloween (which would have been game 7 of the World Series that wasn’t) we were confronted, at the ungodly hour of 9 AM, by an apparition that would curdle the hair of any sane teacher – a dozen Dowbrigades! Luckily the Dowbrigade has little of either hair or sanity these days….

Here’s the on-line album of photos by Koji