Frozen

I would be lying to you if I told you I have fully recovered.

The most difficult part of saying farewell to your unborn child is…you can’t bury the body, you don’t get to see / hold for the very last time, you don’t really know when ‘exactly’ it passed. And above all, you don’t have a closure.

None of the human experience can prepare you for that

I don’t know how others process it. After reading miscarriage forums for weeks, my case is just 1 of 100xx of many families experienced. A lot of women miscarried more than 3x and are still trying. I applaud them. But I don’t see myself there….I am already ‘frozen’. I don’t know how to move forward.

If all goes well, I am graduating in 2 months. I don’t know how to respond to Qs like “what do you want to do after that?”, “have you been interviewing or looking for jobs?” or “how do you want to make use of your degree?”

No offense to all. It might not be socially acceptable to say “I don’t know”. It might even be a ‘sin’ as I seem to check myself out from the job market…ditching all social events in the Valley, where ‘breaking the ceiling’ is what we are ought to do…

All I know is…I want to return to the time when my baby and I were happily jogging along the Charles River. I want to re-live the moment when ‘we’ both shared a bowl of tomato pork soup based ramen in Somerville.

I just want to live.