Restless Journey: Finding a Place to Fit In But Not to Settle

A story of a Harvard student going through IVF

Month: May 2016

The Fear

Disbelief.

A week from now, I will gain a new title: Harvard Alumni. But what exactly does that mean?

3 weeks ago, I was anxious and nervous about the progress of all my projects and deadlines. I thought I would be at ease as soon as I submitted my last paper of my academic year. But after going through numerous job interviews, the fear has just began.

I don’t like any of the companies I’ve been talking to. I don’t even like the idea of being employed. After working for more than 15 years, rolling my sleeves doing the most impossible, there are folks out there who still think that you deserve to be their front soldiers. All they want is to smoke the cigar in their corner office while having you to be their best ‘project manager’, putting off fire for them.

I am not even wasting my time telling them they are racist, sexist living in a bubble called ‘bias’.

At the last lecture, professor said “the toughest work isn’t here (classroom). The toughest job is OUT there.”

The fear I am getting isn’t about me being ‘unemployed’. My fear comes from the fact that I’m finally stepping out of my comfort zone and starting my own venue.

After all these years of unconfidence and self-doubts, I now choose to fulfill the vow I made to my child, that is “I’ll put my happiness and comfort above all”.

Though the future is unknown, I know that I’m being truth to myself. I vow not to disvalue myself.

 

3 Weeks to Graduation

Commencement is exactly 3 weeks away. I am excited but feeling surreal at the same time.

Between now till next week, I have 2 papers to submit, 2 on campus presentations and a final. I keep thinking “what if my flight to Boston got stuck somewhere?” “what if I didn’t make it to campus?” “what if I blew the whole presentation?”

It has been 3 years since I started the program. Some friends of mine didn’t expect me to get into Harvard. Even now, a friend didn’t believe I was about to walk the commencement in a few weeks.

And now I look back, I have to pat myself on the back. These 3 years hasn’t been easy but I did it.

I might just need to stop popping the ‘what if’ Qs…and enjoy my last trip to Boston before this semester ends.