Restless Journey: Finding a Place to Fit In But Not to Settle

A story of a Harvard student going through IVF

Month: February 2017

A scary and lonely path

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This is it! My IVF process has officially begun. Today, I have been handed a long list of Rx, in addition to 7 files of consent forms to sign…

I looked at those unfamiliar terms and meds. I got instant chill.

I asked myself “why do I need to go through this?” “Why the neighbor/co-worker/colleague/friend of my age doesn’t need to take all these injections to make a baby?”

WHAT THE FXXK IS WRONG WITH ME? What did I do in my life to deserve this? Should I have freeze my eggs before my 30s? Or should I have listened to my peers to make babies 10 years ago, while I was switching jobs?

This is insane. Feeling like a punishment for all those times I refused to enter motherhood. Now, I have to artificially load my body (my uterus to be exact) with hormones and meds in order to welcome life (with 30% failure rate).

All I want to tell myself is….”you suck!”

The New Era – IVF

ivfIt has been 2 months since I wrote something here. Like many months before, I was hopeful at the beginning of my cycle, followed by daily anticipation then ended the month with heartbreak and disappointment. I am too familiar with the 5 stages of grief. And I found myself repeatedly blaming my body for not doing what it supposes to do.

Then I realize, I need to stop. I need to surrender. Just when I felt hopeless, we were notified that my husband’s company has introduced new benefit – IVF package. I didn’t think twice but immediately contacted the representative to schedule our first appointment.

So we officially entered into the new era called – IVF.

“This place” is full of new terminologies with many ‘protocols’ that I never heard of. I have been in healthcare for nearly 20 years and have never ever been introduced to world of ‘infertility treatment’. I thought I am pretty self-equipped with dietary and self-care. NO – this place has its own revelation of diet planning and supplements, which are believed (by the fertility doctors and the IVF community) to be effective. As the beneficiary of this IVF package, I literally do not need to worry / stress on anything except following every single instruction from the doctor, whom said his success rate is 70%.

I understand this is a privilege. As I am leaving the TTC (trying to conceive naturally community), I know that I am being provided the best, high end, state of the art technologies to pursue a healthy/full term pregnancy, something that I have never thought about few years ago. But here I am, acknowledging the fact that I have this privilege…

And I must give in and let myself to take the backseat.