I am sitting here enjoying every little ‘kick’ from my miracle nugget…
Today is 20 weeks and 2 days. I am half way through the pregnancy. From the beginning till the 18.5 weeks, I had been in disbelief of the fact that ‘I am pregnant!’, despite the countless ultrasounds, blood draws and my growing tummy. Just like Amanda Micheli, the Oscar nominated director of the movie “Vegas Baby” whom also went through infertility treatment, said “This amazing development has ironically presented a new challenge for me; I am not used to good news on this topic! The best way I can describe it is like PTSD: until quite recently, it was practically impossible for me to believe that this pregnancy was going to stick. Even writing this now, I am knocking on wood so hard, my knuckles might bleed.”
For the longest time (since my miscarriage), I had been avoiding to shop at the baby section at the department store except getting a few things for my family or friends who were expecting. Picking up baby clothes, choosing nursery room decor, or talking about car seat selection are totally luxury to me (and to my husband…I think). Being able to get pregnant and beating all the odds throughout the whole 10 months are still very surreal to us. Just like people living with PTSD, we are always terrified by the idea that ‘what if? what if it (the baby) doesn’t stick?’ This has been keeping us from truly enjoying the success of our first IVF attempt.
My paranoid began slowly fading away when I entered 18 – 19 weeks…I started feeling a little ‘kick’ from my lower abdomen. At first, I thought those were just gas! Yet, as I started paying close attention, I could feel a little creature twisting its body or stretching its legs right below my belly button. The feeling is so incredible. Every move, twist and turn reminds me the existence of my little man. He has his routine and preferences. He will swim ‘back and forth’ to pick a side when I go to bed at night. At times when I start worrying about him (for not moving much within a certain period), he would give me a ‘a ‘little dance’ for the sake of reassurance…He has been a very good boy!
I can sit here all day awaiting for his next kick. Nothing more intimate and loving than feeling your baby moving and growing inside your womb. No fetal doppler or ultrasound picture can bring me the joy of simply feeling him.
I can finally breath a little easier. I can now have the courage to plan ahead.