Lead, Kindly Light

“There is a deep hole in your being, like an abyss. You will never succeed in filling that hole, because your needs are inexhaustible. You have to work around it so that gradually the abyss closes.

“Since the hole is so enormous and your anguish so deep, you will always be tempted to flee from it. There are two extremes to avoid: being completely absorbed in your pain and being distracted by so many things that you stay far away from the wound you want to heal.”

–Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love

Some of my pictures from spring break…

A song from Switchfoot –

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
Don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes

This is your life are you who you want to be
This is your life are you who you want to be

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

And you had everything to lose

* * *

Back at school, I tend to cram my days with stuff: social time, school time, Bible study time, church time, more social time, nap time… but I don’t really have much downtime.

I’ve been away on spring break, though. And today, I got a little seasick while out on my uncle’s boat in sunny California, and had to put my head down and close my eyes. My immediate instinct was to think, being out here on the boat is nice, but if I was going to get seasick, I should have just stayed back so I could work on my thesis. But then, as I settled into praying mode and reflection mode, I realized that this “forced” downtime was a gift.

During those couple hours, I reflected on my admittedly (relatively brief) life — where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going as I step through some pretty big changes in the next twelve months. Here’s at least part of what I came up with…

Where I’ve Been

Last night, I had a conversation with two sisters who are the daughters of a woman who has long been a family friend. She and her sister have looked to my mom as a mentor and older sister ever since they were in high school many years ago, fresh immigrants to the United States and trying to make their way in a new place. Now her daughters are 17 and 19; one is a freshman in college and the other is in the middle of making decisions about which college to attend.

As I spoke with both of them, I had weird flashbacks to my own high school days. Granted, these girls and I grew up on two very, very different sides of the tracks. They went to an exclusive all-girls prep school where their best friends have gotten Porsches and celebrated at two-star Michelin restaurants for their 16th birthdays [I’m not exaggerating; they told me this themselves]. But beneath that exterior, I quickly noticed an aggressive drive that has propelled these girls to join an insane number of clubs, win a ridiculous number of academic awards, and live in a way that allows only four or five hours of sleep a night.

Part of why their mom wanted them to talk to me is because I used to be like her daughters. I don’t think I was ever quite as accomplished as they are, but the same signs of ambition and unbridled self-motivation and perfectionism were as evident in me just eight or ten years ago. And that worked for a while, but eventually in my early college years, I burned out and my body rebelled against me. The demands I imposed on myself took both a physical and mental toll on my system, and God’s grace plus/through years of therapy helped mold me into today’s (more) balanced version of myself.

In the two girls, I saw reflections of a self I left behind. And I asked them the same questions which which I had to confront myself: What drives you? Who are you afraid to disappoint? Why is all of this necessary, and what will happen if you don’t invest 150% of yourself in every endeavor? Trying your best is an optimal expectation, but why expect more than that?

I don’t think ambition and drive are inherently bad. I’d rather have them than not – but only within reason. And the years since my crazy days have taught me that understanding the underlying motivation explains the outward manifestation of ambition. I used to be driven by fear of failure and fear of disappointing my parents, myself, my God. That fear forced me to take on more responsibility than I could handle, and more than I ever owed to my parents or God. Or myself.

Now I understand (better, though I’m still learning) that a much better motivation is one driven by love, rather than fear. With love, there is room for mistakes because there is room for forgiveness. There’s also latitude for imperfection because there’s latitude for growth. And love always inspires more beautiful and rich things than fear ever could. Love is the better way… I’m glad I’ve learned that since the old days.

* * *

Where I Am

I’m in flux. Pretty simple way to put it, but it encompasses a truth that is fairly complex.

Constantly growing, always learning new things about the world, what I think about the world, who I am in the world, and what my purpose here is.

Continuing to soak in information (through study and experience) about social justice, criminal justice, prisons, juvenile justice, restorative justice, Biblical justice, and other elements around which I plan to build my future career…Still asking God to show me who I am in Him and who He wants me to be…

This is a big one: learning to let God love me…

Enjoying my (relatively) newfound pride in my Chinese heritage…

Saying goodbye to student life and preparing to leave the place I’ve called home for the last three years, pack up my friendships and take them with me in manageable form, while still maintaining forward movement in my relationships here in the time we have left…

Still figuring out my family – with all its messiness, joys, resilience, troubles, resentments, surprises, intense affections,…

Struggling with some of the same insecurities that I now understand have been my friends a good long time, since childhood. Wondering if I’ll ever come to terms with them, and if so, how and when…

* * *

Where I’m Going

This section has two levels, really – the actual level and the aspirational level. Neither is perfectly predictive of where I’ll end up, because arriving at the actual level will mean that I’ve just continued to live my life in a linear fashion – with no efforts toward or signs of improvement. I don’t expect this to be the case.  The aspirational level assumes the opposite – that I will attain the ideals that reflect my values.  That’s not bound to happen perfectly either – because life throws curveballs, limiting restraints are imposed by everything from economics to circumstance, and ideals sometimes change and the pursuits of them are abandoned accordingly.

So for now, we’ll just leave it at this – a growing list of things on my aspirational list…this is hopefully where I’m going:

•  A sacrificially giving life. This might include giving money, and it will definitely include giving time – but at its most basic level I mean giving of myself – investing in others generously and sacrificially, and with love – not fear – as the core motivation. Especially during this spring break I have a renewed and deeper pride in my dad’s side of the family. My grandma “adopted” as her goddaughters some of the girls she taught at school who needed her love and guidance and wisdom. My grandparents didn’t have much, but they gave what they could, and they had a lot of love to give. The dividends are still paying off today. My uncle and aunt have two children of their own – but three additional teenage boys too living at home here with them (every other weekend, plus holidays and summer vacation time) – because they were willing to help raise these boys in a very different life and world than that in which they grew up. Incredible. These are just a couple examples… but I know that God has gifted me relationally – this is something I’ve come to realize recently. So I want to exercise that gift, and use it to impact others and spread the love in tangible ways.

• Compassionate advocacy. I want to be a compassionate attorney. I don’t want my legal work to just be a job – a routine of investigations, trials, motion-filings, and court appearances. No no no. I want to live out my career with HEART – a heart that breaks and bleeds and cries and feels acutely the sufferings that go on around me. That kind of heart is most suited (I think?) to be guided by the wisdom of love. And while it will hurt to be an advocate with that kind of heart, that joint and communal suffering will bring me to a level of deep compassion that will (hopefully?) enable me to be the hands and feet of Jesus, if He were an attorney in my position. I get chills up my spine even as I type this, because I know this will be a tough road – and this is very much up the “aspirational” alley. I don’t actually know how close to this ideal I can get. I don’t know if my heart could stand it. BUT, at least in theory, I believe that the power and love of God is strong enough to sustain this type of compassion, and faithful enough to carry it through every trial [no pun intended].

• Strong family orientation. I’ve heard so many people say this to my dad during this trip: “It’s better to have a daughter, because the daughter will take care of her parents.” And it’s true for us – I’m much closer to my parents than my brother is, and I predict that that will always be the case. In addition to being close to my parents, though, I really want to start to make up for the many lost years of disconnectedness from my dad’s side of the family – those uncles, my aunt, and my two cousins. This trip has reminded me of the strong ties that could exist [and somehow do actually persist in weakened form now] among us…and I sincerely aspire to strengthening those ties in the years ahead. And I want to invest most heavily in my own family, should God see fit to grant me one [yes please, God]. But I want that family to include not just blood relations, but neighbors [in the Biblical sense of the word] – whoever they may be.

• Like Jesus. I want to be like Jesus. I want Jesus to return again and hasten that day when the trumpet will sound, and the dead in Christ will rise–and then those who remain alive on Earth and believers in Jesus will be captured with God in the air, so to reign with Him forever. I can’t wait to receive my new name, written on a stone, and to see Jesus face to face – knowing that I should be filled with fear and trembling because of my great sinfulness in the face of His holiness… but also knowing His mercy has given me occasion to sit with Him and call God “Father” and call Jesus “Savior.” Until that uber-blessed day arrives, however, I want to be much more like Jesus than I am today. And that will only happen as the Spirit continues to do the Spirit’s thing and as I submit to God’s will. I hope I do more of that in the future… goes with the “letting God love me” bit…all ties in together. When we let God love us, we realize His mercies and forgiveness and power more closely, and that forgiveness is so freeing…

• Contentment.
• Security.
• Unending hope.

I’ll preface this post by explaining – not in the way of excuse, just in the way of explanation – that I didn’t grow up with close ties with my extended family. That whole thing about “going to Nana’s house for Thanksgiving” or “going over to Cousin Ira’s to play” or “seeing Aunt Frieda for brunch this weekend” – yeah that wasn’t part of my childhood experience. One set of grandparents and aunts/uncles were tucked away firmly in the West Coast, and the other set was halfway around the world on a little tropical island that I visited all of four times in my life [to date, the last visit being in 2000].

So I almost didn’t make this trip. In fact, it reddens my face when I admit that it took a little bit of convincing and a semi-guilt trip to make me come. I was debating between coming out here to visit my relatives for spring break and going to New Orleans to do a service project. And for a while it was fake-debating, because I really wanted to go to New Orleans to help out, and my mind was pretty much made up. But in the end I switched up my plans when my dad said, “Well, if you want to come, then come. It depends on what’s important to you. If you don’t want to come, then don’t come.” He didn’t say it in a mean way, but I knew what he meant. And in the end, in part out of a sense of duty to family, I booked a ticket for the West Coast instead of the French Quarter.

And I was really nervous about coming. But I’m really glad I did. Not because service isn’t important, and not because spring break should always be all about family coziness and cocooning in the love of one’s relatives – but because before this trip, it had been YEARS since I truly connected with this side of the family. And during this trip (so far), I have realized anew how vital and precious these ties are… and I’ve been reminded that they take work and effort to strengthen and maintain. God gifts us with family, but we have to nurture the relationships to make them thrive rather than merely exist.

* * *

One of the things that struck me this weekend was seeing the effects of a life well lived. So many family friends passed through for my grandpa’s big birthday, and I know they were there for him – but I know that in large part, they were there for my grandma too. My grandma passed away over ten years ago, but her legacy lives on richly.

We went to visit my grandma’s grave this trip. It was my first time visiting her there, since I went to the funeral but missed out on the burial thirteen years ago. This time, I watched in awe as so many close family friends, who had traveled hours by car or by plane just to attend my grandpa’s party for one evening, came to pay their respects to my grandma. They placed flowers there, spoke of her, and spoke to her – “Happy Easter, Mama,” they said. “We pray you’re well and God bless you. We’re doing fine, and we miss you.”

I realized as I watched them how much better they knew my grandma than I did. She passed away when I was young, and because we hadn’t lived near each other, I never knew her that well. I could only enhance my paltry memories by learning about her vicariously through these, her dearest friends and family.

My grandparents were happy to bear three sons, but also wanted to have a girl. That wish, however, never materialized [I’m the first and only girl on my dad’s side of the family…my cousins and my big brother are all boys], so my grandma took in several girls as goddaughters early on in their lives. She treated them as her own, and loved them dearly and with great devotion. There were other people along the way, too, whom my grandma informally adopted as her children. Basically if anyone was in need, she would help them out and give from what little she and my grandpa had. And she didn’t just give – she really loved, and that difference has made all the difference.

The effects of such love live on. My grandma’s generous and loving spirit bred a generation of generous and loving spirits that continue to pass on that love – to my grandpa, to my uncles and my dad, to me. I’ve seen that during these last few days. And, undoubtedly, to others. Because once you’re warmed by the fire of real love, you can’t help but share it with others because it grows and never divides, and never diminishes no matter how widely it is spread.

I know my grandma believed in Jesus, and strove to live her life in the way that honored Christ. Great as my grandma was, I know that it’s because of Jesus that she was able to love so deeply and richly. This weekend I saw how that kind of love could change lives – and I’ve been challenged by it. I pray that God would use me to love others with that kind of intensity and really make a difference.

The Resurrection

¹After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.

²There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. ³His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. ⁴The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

⁵The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. ⁶He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. ⁷Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”

⁸So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. ⁹Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. ¹⁰Then Jesus said to them, “Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me.”

* * *

He is risen! …and the world has never been the same. Hallelujah!

The Crucifixion

³²As they were going out, they met a man from Cyrene, named Simon, and they forced him to carry the cross. ³³They came to a place called Golgotha (which means The Place of the Skull). ³⁴There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it. ³⁵When they had crucified him, they divided up his clothes by casting lots.^{[b] 36}And sitting down, they kept watch over him there. ³⁷Above his head they placed the written charge against him: THIS IS JESUS, THE KING OF THE JEWS. ³⁸Two robbers were crucified with him, one on his right and one on his left. ³⁹Those who passed by hurled insults at him, shaking their heads ⁴⁰and saying, “You who are going to destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself! Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!”

⁴¹In the same way the chief priests, the teachers of the law and the elders mocked him. ⁴²“He saved others,” they said, “but he can’t save himself! He’s the King of Israel! Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. ⁴³He trusts in God. Let God rescue him now if he wants him, for he said, ‘I am the Son of God.’ ” ⁴⁴In the same way the robbers who were crucified with him also heaped insults on him.

The Death of Jesus

⁴⁵From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. ⁴⁶About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi,^[c] lama sabachthani?”—which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”^[d]

⁴⁷When some of those standing there heard this, they said, “He’s calling Elijah.”

⁴⁸Immediately one of them ran and got a sponge. He filled it with wine vinegar, put it on a stick, and offered it to Jesus to drink. ⁴⁹The rest said, “Now leave him alone. Let’s see if Elijah comes to save him.”

⁵⁰And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.

⁵¹At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split. ⁵²The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. ⁵³They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus’ resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

⁵⁴When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, “Surely he was the Son^[e] of God!”

⁵⁵Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs. ⁵⁶Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of Zebedee’s sons.

One of my girlfriends mentioned love languages not too long ago. Her huge love language is words of affirmation, and she asked me what my love language was. It’s been many, many years since I last took a formal assessment of this stuff, so I did so today – and this seems about right [a little low on the words of affirmation; I would have guessed that would be more on par with acts of service] … check the quiz out, and see what yours might be! It will probably help you understand your friendships/relationships better – at least on some level. 🙂

Quality Time: 11

Physical Touch: 7

Acts of Service: 7

Words of Affirmation: 3

Receiving Gifts: 2 

 

Take the quiz here!

If you were here with me in person, I’d smile at you, reach out and give you a hug. You’d probably find it awkward, but it would be good for you to feel an embrace that communicates forgiveness and acceptance.

I do appreciate your remorse, and I’m sorry that you are feeling bad about the things you said yesterday. I hope that God’s peace rests on you, and I’ll be praying for that. And I do hope that you and I will not be strangers because of this; I think you’re taking it harder than you need to. Remember that I’ve been through far worse, and that no one has ever communicated that type of concern for my soul in the same manner of genuine care as you did – and knowing that you were trying to speak the truth in love made a big difference.

As I try to think of what else to say to you, mostly what comes to mind is this – that I am grateful for your apologies, but much more importantly, what I am hoping for is your eventual understanding that God’s got all sorts of followers out there – and of course we should never mistake the goats for the sheep. But the sheep and how they graze, how they follow Jesus, and how they do His work, might not always look uniform and the same.

Less than a few days ago, you were traumatized by fear that I lacked faith in a saving grace, and you were gravely concerned about the state of my soul and its security in the one true source of love, Jesus… But it’s precisely because of that grace and love that I can so easily forgive you today. Celebrate it, and pass it on.

Got this palm leaf from church today… “Hosanna in the Highest” is what the crowd cried as Jesus came into view, riding on a donkey treading over garments and palm branches laid on the ground before Him.

The pastor at church today talked about how the people in that crowd could not have known the magnitude of who Christ was in that moment. They were excited, stirred in their hearts, and energized to proclaim the arrival of Jesus.

But without the cross, the crucifixion, the death and resurrection, and ascension into heaven – and all the fulfilled promises that came with Easter – the people could not have grasped all that much of what Jesus was about.

As Easter imminently approaches, it’s a good time to ponder – who is Jesus, really? Who is the Jesus of the Bible? And who do we know Him to be in our lives?

In the last chapter of the book of Revelation, a verse speaking about heaven says, “The city does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp.” I think on this verse often, and it puts a glorious picture in my mind about what the next life will be like.

I love sunny days – I like turning my face toward that glowing ball in the sky, and feeling its radiant warmth. I like to see how the sun brightens up forests of yellow leaves in autumn, turning an already-wondrous scene into a world of gold surroundings. I enjoy watching the play of sunlight over waves of rivers, lakes, and oceans. And I know that it’s the sun and its energy that makes things grow and thrive; it sustains life on both physical and emotional levels.

And at night, when the sun is off visiting other parts of the world, the moon gives off a different kind of light. Actually, it still awes me – to ponder the fact that whatever light we get from the moon is actually a product of reflection from the sun’s rays. Incredible, how powerful the sun’s light is – casting great light even off the surface of a rocky, lunar body. God’s design is truly creative, imaginative, and perfect.

So…I love these heavenly bodies. But…come real heaven, they will go away – they will be unnecessary frivolities compared to the greatness of light that will emanate from God Himself, as a result of His greatness, holiness, and glory. I can hardly grasp the beginning of what this means… that God IS light, and in Him is no darkness at all. And God IS love, and when we get to heaven, He will be all we ever want and need – and He will be our singular desire, as things were meant to be at the dawn of creation. All will be made right, and God will rule over everything.

We are called to live in this hope, as we walk through this life. Sometimes I get carried away with it, and I cry out for Jesus’s return–hurry it up! I say. Come quickly! I urge. And yes, those are good (and natural) reactions to have… but I also must remember that as long as Jesus has not yet come back – we are called to live according to His will and purpose here on earth. Hoping always, and expecting His return, but waiting patiently in the meantime.