Siliceous and Delicious

Bit of a further let-down by email today, as I received an email from McKinsey announcing their 3-day “Insight” mini-internships, to which I had hoped to apply. It turns out that a) the one that looked most appropriate is the week after my wedding, at which time I will hopefully be on my honeymoon, not working, and b) none of the internships are actually appropriate for me. Three courses are offered, one is Asia-themed (and requires applicants who envision a career in Asia, so definitely not me), the second is healthcare-themed (aimed towards MDs and medical-biological PhD’s and postdocs, again not me), while the third one is engineering and science themed, but, beyond being impossible timing-wise, is also open only to PhDs or post-docs in “engineering, computer science, economics, mathematics, operations or physics”, which definitely isn’t me.

While this is a bit of a disappointment, it stings a little less as my intuitive hunch for what I should be doing has been growing a little stronger over the past weeks in its tendency away from good opportunities, sensible choices, and financial security and towards doing something that has value. And I’m not convinced that being in management consulting necessarily actually adds any value to society at all. I’m growing stronger in my belief that, in many ways, many of these “industries” (if they can even be called that)—I guess they’re called the FIRE economy now, for finance, insurance, and real estate—do not so much contribute to society as take from it. In any case, however you cut it, I’ve been starting to realize in my aimless thinking about what to do that doing something I feel is important, makes a valued contribution to society, is important to me. And I’m just not convinced that McKinsey fully embodies that—not to mention that they certainly don’t meet my hopes in terms of working conditions, culture, and hours.

Since it’s relevant here, I might as well type up my scrawled notes on the characteristics of my dream job, as absent-mindedly doodled onto a sheet of scrap paper last week:

1. Flexible
2. Intellectually challenging
3. Makes something I can see as a finished product
4. Demands some creativity
5. Has projects with a beginning, middle and an end (where the time between results, see point 3, is much less than years)
6. Involves being a part of something bigger than me
7. Has me working in collaboration with and surrounded by others, at least part of the time
8. Affords me autonomy to bring in my own ideas
9. Lets me see the results of my efforts directly (even when it’s not in a finished product, as in point 3)
10. Is emotionally rewarding
11. Pays well
12. Provides ample vacation time
13. Has full medical coverage and retirement benefits
14. Has a workplace culture that respects family, and does not require working nights and weekends unless I really want it to
15. Has a workplace culture that is warm and relaxed, and fosters support and collaboration rather than criticism and competition
16. Offers the promise of stability—the sort of workplace that I can imagine to both exist and feed my interest twenty years down the road

Other than making this list, failed to produce anything at all today. Still slumped deep in a motivational hole. The thought of the radiolarian project failing fills me with dread, as useless as it is to feel anything at all, rather than just get things done. And the joy I thought I’d get from churning through the morphospace matrix just isn’t there, it’s just frustrating trying to make the morphologies fit with the characters I’ve chosen. They’re not nearly as well-chosen as I thought they were while I was putting them together. Arse.