A Trump Purim Megillah

Happy Purim to all readers who are practicing Jewcraft!

I’m wondering if it is time to update the Book of Esther, which scholars say is roughly 2,500 years old. Here is a basic outline:

Old New
King Ahasuerus, ruler of the Persian Empire, holding a lavish banquet … orders the queen, Vashti, to come and display her beauty before the guests by wearing only her crown. She refuses. King Donald, ruler of a vast Manhattan real estate empire, is trying to find a decent burger and fries in the dark pre-Shake Shack days. Queen Ivana orders him to stop having sex with local concubines. He refuses.
Ahasuerus has Vashti removed from her position. Ivana sues King Donald.
Esther is crowned his new queen. Melania is crowned his new queen.
Ahasuerus appoints Haman as his viceroy Donald appoints Steve Bannon as his viceroy.
Haman plans to kill all the Jews in the empire. Bannon plans to kill all the Jews in the empire.
King Ahasuerus orders the court records be read to him in order to help him sleep. King Donald orders the Federal Aviation Regulations Part 121 to be read to him to help him sleep.
King Ahasuerus falls asleep. King Donald falls into a coma.
Queen Esther approaches to an outstretched sceptre and reveals that she is Jewish and that Haman is planning to exterminate her people. Queen Melania approaches to an outstretched Samsung phone and reveals that Bannon is refusing to shave because Jacob Schick has a Jewish-sounding name (video of Trump, Bannon, and team discussion of this issue).
King Ahasuerus orders Haman hanged on the gallows. King Donald exiles Steve Bannon to a lifetime of work at the FAA reviewing random drug testing compliance for single-pilot operators.
Headgear: Three-cornered hat. Headgear: Pussy hat.
Snack: Hamantaschen, a three-cornered cookie filled with prunes or poppy seeds. Snack: Muschitaschen, a hand-knit cookie filled with rage regarding injustice.

Readers: What else needs to be updated for Purim in the Trump Age?

6 Comments

  1. John R. Klein

    March 11, 2017 @ 10:08 pm

    1

    In some ways one could argue that Ivanka is the one who most corresponds to Esther in the Megillah. Ivanka is supposed to be one of the few able to calm down King Donald. Perhaps Kushner is an analog of Mordechai?

  2. M

    March 11, 2017 @ 10:24 pm

    2

    Oh my goodness… the fashion in headgear is so fluid! Twelve years ago it was an a**hat (see http://www.jroller.com/fate/entry/the_asshat_deck_of_cards ) and now it’s suddenly a p****hat ? I am feeling old.

    Happy Purim! As is said in the Talmud, you should drink until you cannot tell the difference between “Blessed be Kushner!” and “Cursed be Bannon!”

  3. toucan sam

    March 12, 2017 @ 11:34 pm

    3

    No Phil I don’t think Purim should be modified. I find it reprehensible you continue to pretend President Trump is some sort of Nazi. For god sakes President Trump is the first US president who has Jewish children and grand children. How sad it is to call him anti Semitic. Instead he should be called the honorary first Jewish president. Bill Clinton got to be the first black president why can’t Trump be the first Jewish one?

  4. Michael Moser

    March 13, 2017 @ 4:08 pm

    4

    Ahm, Obama was the first jewish president and nobody noticed (his mom is jewish)

  5. philg

    March 14, 2017 @ 12:54 pm

    5

    Michael: That makes sense. I think “Dunham” is how they spell “Cohen” in Kansas. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ann_Dunham (also note Barack Obama quoted as saying “My mother was a Christian from Kansas”)

  6. warmwaterdiver

    March 17, 2017 @ 9:45 am

    6

    Barack Obama’s stepmother, Ruth Baker, was Jewish. She had 2 sons with Obama Sr., so Barack had 2 Jewish step-brothers also. Obama Sr. could have been Jewish under:
    4A. (a) The rights of a Jew under this Law and the rights of an oleh under the Nationality Law, 5712-1952***, as well as the rights of an oleh under any other enactment, are also vested in a child and a grandchild of a Jew, the spouse of a Jew, the spouse of a child of a Jew and the spouse of a grandchild of a Jew, except for a person who has been a Jew and has voluntarily changed his religion.

    but not Obama Jr., who was not born to his stepmother.

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