I’m headed down to Ft. Lauderdale with the family soon (March 25-April 8; email if you want to get together! Going to Miami Open tennis at 11:00 am on March 29). Florida is the land of Trump and miniature golf. What would it look like if we combined the two?
Can we collaboratively design a Donald Trump-themed mini golf course? I will start.
Hole 1: Get the ball through a Vietnamese factory in which Ivanka Trump products are being sewn. Each sewing machine rotates a paddle that obstructs a tunnel. Green obstructed by miniature T.J. Maxx with protesters surrounding.
Hole 2: Navigate the ball through an airport ramp cluttered with Florida flight school and charter aircraft grounded because of Temporary Flight Restrictions imposed during a Trump visit to Palm Beach.
Hole 3: Replica of the Kremlin and Hermitage. Voice of Vladimir Putin telling you how and where to hit the ball.
Hole 4: Miniature 580-mile long existing U.S.-Mexico border fence/wall that is gradually extended to a full 1,989 miles at which point the ball has to be sent to miniature Canada before finally settling in the hole flagged “sanctuary city”.
Hole 5: Miniature Australia, complete with miniature South Pacific prison island, tries to send 1,250 refugee balls that spread across the fairway and clog the path for your ball. Players block the refugee balls by asking, in a New York accent, “If you don’t want these balls, why do we?” This drives a vacuum system to pull the refugee balls back to the miniature prison island.
Hole 6: Crashing stock market. Cutout of Economist Action Hero Paul Krugman in center of fairway shouting out advice: go short! buy put options! flee to euros! Market is represented by a tilting green, which briefly tips down as votes are tallied but then gradually rises until it is tilted so high that it is impossible to get the ball over.
Hole 7: Women’s March. Mechanical string of pussy hats drawn across the fairway. If ball gets stuck in one, 20 points are added to player’s score in the “child support” row. If there are any attorneys on the course, player makes their mortgage, car, and kids’ college tuition payments.
Hole 8: Manhattan. Fairway clogged with miniature Secret Service fanning out for 10 blocks around miniature Trump Tower. Periodic showers of overtime cash in “NYPD” envelopes litter the green.
Hole 9: Kellyanne Conway. Woman kneels on couch in miniature Oval Office. Fairway is an obstacle course of upright posture scolds. Green is cluttered with signs reading “Sisterhood is sacred, but I hate conservative bitches.”
Hole 10: White supremacy. Entire fairway and green are made up of flush-mounted white supremacists. Miniature Trump comes out on the balcony of replica Linz Altes Rathaus and delivers speech that energies the white supremacists to pop up, thus preventing non-white balls from proceeding down fairway and green.
Readers: Your turn on the next 8!