Is it too much

Posted October 3rd, 2007 by Alwyn Loh
Categories: Uncategorized

Is it too much to ask God for someone to love? At times I feel ever so worthless. Knowing that God has sent His Son to die for me on the Cross. But yet I can’t even live the redeemed life. Am I being punished in loneliness?

What can I do to convince my friends who believe that God does not exist. What can I do to have faith in a God that I cannot see and that knowingly the Christian life is harder. Knowingly watching the non-believers have an easier life. I only wish that I could love God more. I only wish God would somehow rewire my brains to automatically love Him more, read His Word more, give more and just be like Christ.

I am deeply discouraged. All I am good for is legalistically keeping up attendance at religious events. All I am good for is sinning against God. I don’t know His Will, I don’t hear His Voice speak to me. I can’t do the things He says in His Word. All I want to be is a good Christian. I look enviously upon Christians who are greatly blessed, greatly favored, know their purpose in life and are close to the will of God.

So discouraged. I feel like the last, least and lowest child at times. Forever watching the good Christians have everything and all that I do is to be pathetic at all times. With no faith, with great sin and nothing to live for except worldly pleasures. I am no more than the seed that got planted in good soil, but got choked up by the weeds of life. I have a feeling that God created me, knew me. He knows that I will hear the gospel, accept it. Struggle and eventually fall away from the Father and go to hell. Maybe that’s my lot in life.

Did God merely create me to go to hell anyway? That whatever I do right now is fruitless because I’m already pre-destined to burn in hell forever? I guess it really is.


Posted September 30th, 2007 by Alwyn Loh
Categories: Uncategorized

Its been an extraordinarily long period of time. But I have finally, and legalistically managed to go to bible study, large group and church in one week consecutively. The last time I went to church for real as the last week of class last semester. The last time I went to church this summer was at the Park St. church in lovely Cambridge.

In church today, all I got from the message was, “easing our conscience with church attendance.” Its so true. That’s what I do. I go in, go through the ritual. Dip the bread in the grape juice and never really walk the talk, live the redeemed life and see the face of God. I don’t even pray to God or read my bible anymore – except during that once a week bible study sessions and so on. My life is so short. I need God so bad. But I don’t even know where or how to go forth with it.

I think I’ll be single forever. Such dry personality, such boring character. Such weak faith in God, falling behind in life. I have many dreams. But probably never will come true unless God grants me the redemption in Christ. To really truly and totally live the life worthy of the calling. Otherwise, I have no hope. I am hopeless to change on my own. Sigh.

Really love this song. She said I sang well when this song was being sung at large group. But really, I confess that I was singing with extra hard effort to impress her. And not God. Which is why I think I’ll just sit at the very back of large group in future. No girls, no distractions. Let the withered me be slowly redeemed in the hope that is Christ Jesus.

I have a few more dreams. Is life really worth living for? What is my purpose in life? I need God so bad. But, other than the weakest of convictions in His existence. I think I’ve just totally lost it.


Posted September 14th, 2007 by Alwyn Loh
Categories: Uncategorized

“I am convinced that I will never see the gates of heaven.”

I told my suitemate this phrase when he asked me if I was religious. What is being religious? Playing a few Christian songs, putting a bible in my room and then? Truly, the life that I live right now. I can never see the gates of heaven. I am a sinner through and through. I can never live the perfect Christian life that has no sin. I have sinned so much.

A whole ago, all I did was to become drunk, cuss and be “set free.” Being everything that I’d thought I normally wouldn’t be. Being something that I’d frown down upon not too long ago. My sin is so great. I am so corrupted and the path to the door of redemption so far away I might as well not try anymore.

I’m lost. Theology tells me that I’m once saved always saved. Or that I’m once saved maybe saved with the potential of losing my salvation. Or that I’m merely saved and I still need a ton of good works to go to Heaven. I’m lost. So lost. So confused. Can anyone give me a twelve step program to heaven?

I don’t hear the voice of the Shepherd. So, that means I can’t even do His Will. Never mind that part. I can’t even keep my ten commandments. I am such a sinner. All I do is to laze, eat, sleep and criticize. I am far from the door of redemption. Maybe it is only when I lose control of myself do I really know who I am.

A good brother broke down today. He feels that life is unfair, God has given him the short stick in life, with no looks, no musical talent, no relationship, no success or money. What would Mother Teresa say, considering that she never felt the presence of God for nearly fifty years. That is so sad.

God, are you there? I can’t be Jesus. I can’t be Paul. Well, I could be all the bad things Paul was. And I couldn’t be all the good things Paul was.

My life is a failure, at times, I just want to live as long as possible in my self-centered ways and then go to hell for an eternity. Better than suffering for a lifetime and then going to hell for an eternity marginally speaking.

I can never live that good Christian life. Never. I am so far from the good grace of Christ Jesus that whenever I go to church, I just feel like the last, least, lowest believer in the place. The condemnation is unbelievable.

I look at the lives of others and can see visibly how God is working through them and bringing them to do great things to glorify His name. As for me, I am like the person who has put his hand to the plough and has no looked back. No redemption. I don’t want to go to hell. But its not like I can make it to heaven either.

I’m tired of living the bad Christian life. But I also know that I can never live the “good Christian life.” Can Jesus redeem me for all my sins and change me into the perfection of grace, kindness. I find it weird that I might just be the nicest guy to the awkward and rather outcast person in large group meetings. Although that might be a judgmental call on the other much better believers. So filled with faith, so dedicated to God and always willing to do more for Christ.

I’m lost. I’m tired of good Christian songs where I can never experience what is sang within. I still believe that there is a good God who exists. And I believe that Jesus Christ is still the Way, the Truth and the Life. But, I have the strange sad feeling within my own heart, that God Himself, cannot save me.

I can’t even keep regular attendance at church. I can’t even keep regular attendance at bible school. My “christian” life is a walking contradiction. I think I am surely bound for the fires of hell. The eternal damnation, torment and pain. My life is nothing short of a failure. I guess, I’m not fit for the Kingdom of God. Living my days here until death consumes me.

No point with all the philosophy when no faith will come from it. No point with anything. I am so far from God. Being brought up Christian. But living the life with the knowledge of guilt, but without the saving redemption of Christ. Being predestined by God’s gracious Will to come to the knowledge of His saving grace. But condemned by my own will and knowledge that it is only a matter of time before I fall away from the faith.

Its like, God gave me the chance and I accepted it. But I will never have the capacity to live the good Christian life. With works necessary until salvation. I am cursed.


Posted September 9th, 2007 by Alwyn Loh
Categories: Uncategorized

I missed church again today. Continuing the streak of going to church exactly two or three times last semester. Going to the Park Street Church in Boston exactly once. And not going to church at all since school started.

I need redemption. No fire. No passion. No life.


Posted September 9th, 2007 by Alwyn Loh
Categories: Uncategorized

Addicted to the Internet. That’s perhaps one of my problems. One of my issues. Buoyed by a more introverted personality, that prefers to gain and understand knowledge in the hope of understanding people. Being poor in social relations, especially the wall flower kind at parties is a difficult thing indeed. My life is terrible.

Today my suite mate asked me if I was religious. I replied to him flatly, “I will never see the gates of heaven.” It could be possibly the most brutally honest statements of my life thus far. For starters I am typing this blog, hosted on a server for an institution that I will never attend. Unless God Almighty actually grants me the opportunity to attend it.

So what if I play Christian music on my computer. So what if I have a small little library of christian books stocked up in my study room. So what if I go to church on sundays, go to large group on thursdays and attend small group on wednesdays. So what? It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make a difference. All that exists is just a superficial going through of the motions. Ultimately with no connection to God whatsoever.

I say on sunday how much I want revival. But then on monday, I can’t even find my bible. That pretty much sums up my christian life. Oh yes, I’ve taken up heavy drinking and smoking by the way. In every sense, I have become so immensely corrupted while up keeping this semblance of self-pride and self-righteousness.

I truly am a hypocrite. I am so far away from God, brought up with the christian moral ethic in existentialism. But beyond the boundaries granted by redemption. I am caught in between two worlds. On one hand, a little bit too holy, too self righteous, too religious for the everyday dabble in the world. I don’t do too much beer pong, I don’t have casual sex and I don’t take drugs.

But I smoke a good deal of equivalent cigarettes nowadays and I also see things that I should not partake of. Additionally, there is all the drinking that threatens to take me over the tipping point into drunkenness. Factor in awkward social skills and a cultural deficit and I become unimaginably weird. I am truly the sinner that needs sanctification, redemption and salvation that the good news of the gospel for the unsaved does not seek.

I am no more than one of those who started the journey with oil in my lamp. Only to have run out of it a long time ago. I am no more than the fig tree that was cursed without a second chance and is now withering away. I’d like to go to heaven, be close to God, do the whole purpose driven thing and actually get to know God for real. Some Christians have so much faith in God, see Him, talk to Him and have Him guide their lives.

And then there are some like me who never really understand where we go wrong. Or know where we’ve gone wrong but can’t help stop sinning against God. I have to admit that sometimes, the pleasures of the flesh seem so much greater and so much more desirable than the riches of glory that is in Christ Jesus. I am a backslider. The sinner. The useless person who sits in church on sundays. Hoping for a miracle from God.

But most likely never living to see the redemptive grace that comes in Christ Jesus. Is this my C.S Lewis Journey? I hope it is. I hope that when I die. Maybe God will have mercy on my soul by then and that I might actually be saved for real from hellfire. But as it stands, I don’t even have the faith to do anything, anymore.