The Journey Continues

“I am convinced that I will never see the gates of heaven.”

I told my suitemate this phrase when he asked me if I was religious. What is being religious? Playing a few Christian songs, putting a bible in my room and then? Truly, the life that I live right now. I can never see the gates of heaven. I am a sinner through and through. I can never live the perfect Christian life that has no sin. I have sinned so much.

A whole ago, all I did was to become drunk, cuss and be “set free.” Being everything that I’d thought I normally wouldn’t be. Being something that I’d frown down upon not too long ago. My sin is so great. I am so corrupted and the path to the door of redemption so far away I might as well not try anymore.

I’m lost. Theology tells me that I’m once saved always saved. Or that I’m once saved maybe saved with the potential of losing my salvation. Or that I’m merely saved and I still need a ton of good works to go to Heaven. I’m lost. So lost. So confused. Can anyone give me a twelve step program to heaven?

I don’t hear the voice of the Shepherd. So, that means I can’t even do His Will. Never mind that part. I can’t even keep my ten commandments. I am such a sinner. All I do is to laze, eat, sleep and criticize. I am far from the door of redemption. Maybe it is only when I lose control of myself do I really know who I am.

A good brother broke down today. He feels that life is unfair, God has given him the short stick in life, with no looks, no musical talent, no relationship, no success or money. What would Mother Teresa say, considering that she never felt the presence of God for nearly fifty years. That is so sad.

God, are you there? I can’t be Jesus. I can’t be Paul. Well, I could be all the bad things Paul was. And I couldn’t be all the good things Paul was.

My life is a failure, at times, I just want to live as long as possible in my self-centered ways and then go to hell for an eternity. Better than suffering for a lifetime and then going to hell for an eternity marginally speaking.

I can never live that good Christian life. Never. I am so far from the good grace of Christ Jesus that whenever I go to church, I just feel like the last, least, lowest believer in the place. The condemnation is unbelievable.

I look at the lives of others and can see visibly how God is working through them and bringing them to do great things to glorify His name. As for me, I am like the person who has put his hand to the plough and has no looked back. No redemption. I don’t want to go to hell. But its not like I can make it to heaven either.

I’m tired of living the bad Christian life. But I also know that I can never live the “good Christian life.” Can Jesus redeem me for all my sins and change me into the perfection of grace, kindness. I find it weird that I might just be the nicest guy to the awkward and rather outcast person in large group meetings. Although that might be a judgmental call on the other much better believers. So filled with faith, so dedicated to God and always willing to do more for Christ.

I’m lost. I’m tired of good Christian songs where I can never experience what is sang within. I still believe that there is a good God who exists. And I believe that Jesus Christ is still the Way, the Truth and the Life. But, I have the strange sad feeling within my own heart, that God Himself, cannot save me.

I can’t even keep regular attendance at church. I can’t even keep regular attendance at bible school. My “christian” life is a walking contradiction. I think I am surely bound for the fires of hell. The eternal damnation, torment and pain. My life is nothing short of a failure. I guess, I’m not fit for the Kingdom of God. Living my days here until death consumes me.

No point with all the philosophy when no faith will come from it. No point with anything. I am so far from God. Being brought up Christian. But living the life with the knowledge of guilt, but without the saving redemption of Christ. Being predestined by God’s gracious Will to come to the knowledge of His saving grace. But condemned by my own will and knowledge that it is only a matter of time before I fall away from the faith.

Its like, God gave me the chance and I accepted it. But I will never have the capacity to live the good Christian life. With works necessary until salvation. I am cursed.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 14th, 2007 at 12:56 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments. Both comments and pings are currently closed.