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Its been an extraordinarily long period of time. But I have finally, and legalistically managed to go to bible study, large group and church in one week consecutively. The last time I went to church for real as the last week of class last semester. The last time I went to church this summer was at the Park St. church in lovely Cambridge.
In church today, all I got from the message was, “easing our conscience with church attendance.” Its so true. That’s what I do. I go in, go through the ritual. Dip the bread in the grape juice and never really walk the talk, live the redeemed life and see the face of God. I don’t even pray to God or read my bible anymore – except during that once a week bible study sessions and so on. My life is so short. I need God so bad. But I don’t even know where or how to go forth with it.
I think I’ll be single forever. Such dry personality, such boring character. Such weak faith in God, falling behind in life. I have many dreams. But probably never will come true unless God grants me the redemption in Christ. To really truly and totally live the life worthy of the calling. Otherwise, I have no hope. I am hopeless to change on my own. Sigh.
Really love this song. She said I sang well when this song was being sung at large group. But really, I confess that I was singing with extra hard effort to impress her. And not God. Which is why I think I’ll just sit at the very back of large group in future. No girls, no distractions. Let the withered me be slowly redeemed in the hope that is Christ Jesus.
I have a few more dreams. Is life really worth living for? What is my purpose in life? I need God so bad. But, other than the weakest of convictions in His existence. I think I’ve just totally lost it.
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