The Journey Continues

I am far from God. I have such a weak faith right now that its possibly just a few moments short of agnosticism. I no longer feel the presence of God in my life. My existence has given way to much sin. There is a great need for redemption in this life. After half my college career was lived constantly running away from God. It seems that the second half of it will be once again rededicated back unto the Father.

I am an extremely lousy Christian. I have almost no faith. I am lukewarm in my faith. I live a compromised Christian life. I enjoy the pleasures of the world far more than the unseen riches of Glory in Christ. I am tired of making friends with Christians. My life is one of no purpose or meaning as it is. I’ve lived my life being brought up as a Christian. But seriously, now I live the life that has guilt permeating particular aspects of enjoyment of existence, but without the redemption that comes in Christ.

Lost in all manner of theology. C.S Lewis makes little sense to me anymore. Its a very long journey ahead and I plan to just write as honestly and sincerely about it. So much lost hope. My life is a walking contradiction. One day its stacking chairs, going to church and doing bible study. The next day it is living in sin, drunkenness, smoking a pipe and being constantly overwhelmed by the sin of temptation that I entertain.

I am convinced that I will never see the gates of heaven. My life has been such a mistake that it seems to come to Christ and gradually fall away again seems to be the will of God. As I can see it in my flawed capacity. My heart tells me its not true. But I can’t see it anyway. That my chance to come to Christ was given, the gospel was given unto me and now my life is slipping away from God. My nominal chance to know the Father has come and gone and there remains much doubt in my faith in God and I will not see the judgment seat of Christ.

It is just a matter of time before the world engulfs me and I give up my faith to the world. Redemption right now, perhaps that entire process of sanctification is so far away that there might pretty much be no hope after all. All I can do now is to surrender all. Very easy to say. Very hard to do…