Leave it to Matt
So, on Friday night Matt and I went to see the Interpreter (with Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn). It was okay…but we hated the ending (and, truth be told, we still didn’t understand the certain parts of the complicated plot). But when we got back to my apartment, Matt had me watch the strangest, most wonderful thing:
Dinah Shore Portal to Hell
It was a bootleg DVD of musical performances by non-musical artists appearing on the Dinah Shore show in the 1970’s. You’ve not lived (and truly cried) until you’ve seen William Shatner, Terry Bradshaw, Bert Reynolds, Dick Clark, Robert Blake, Gavin MacLeod, Chuck Woolery, and best of all, Herve Villechaize (of Fantasy Island) singing. Herve might have been the best (or worst) – dressed like a miniature cowboy and singing (if you could call it that) alone on stage.
But wait -there’s more! We enjoyed the bonus features even more. They had some out-takes from Siskel and Ebert that were pretty fierce. Who knew those two could be such diva’s? And there was the scene with Zsa Zsa Gabor doing what appears to be a car commercial and then getting bent out of shape and having a hissy fit, screaming “I vill not verk like this”
There’s also a tragic scene of a local reporter in Florida interviewing Richard Pryor during the making of Stir Crazy. Apparently, Richard had too much cocaine prior to the interview and was a complete mess. It was actually somewhat tragic. He also outed Gene Wilder (which may or may not be true).
But the best bonus feature of all was “The Period Story”. Unfortunately, there are no descriptions of these features…they just appear. But without a desrciption of the source, my best guess is that this little educational movie was meant to be shown to mentally challenged little girls. It featured a mother, father, older daughter and a younger mentally-challenged girl. She asked her Mom what a period was and her mom said it was when “a women bleeds from between her legs. It happens ever 28 days for 3 or 4 days.” Then the daughter would ask “Do you get periods? Does my sister get periods? Does Mr. Jones get periods?” over and over and over.
Finally, the older sister tells her younger sister that she’s currently having her period so she’ll take her into the bathroom and teach her how to change her pad. I’M NOT LYING! So the big sister sits on the toilet, pulls down her panties and exposes a blood-stained pad!!!!!!!!!! She then pulls it out, folds it in half, wraps it in toilet paper and throws it in a trash can. This is all taking place with the little sister (and me and Matt) watching. She then opens up a clean pad wrapper, sticks it to her panties, pulls them up and washes her hands.
The little girl got so excited, she had her sister do it again (this time, the pad was clean). Then the little girl tries it herself and runs into the living to tell her parents. Throughout the pad changing party, the sister repeated each step slowly (“First you pull down your panties, then you take out the dirty pad and fold it”, etc…)
It was frightening. And so basic and repetious that it felt like a TeleTubbies episode about menstruation. Everything was repeated constantly and said very simply.
I had nightmares.
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Ok, that’s worse then his weird foreign films.
EWWWWWWWWWWW.
Although, I did watch “Bad Education” which wasn’t bad.
Where did Matt get this? I’ve got to own it! lol!!!
I am still trying to recover from The Period Story. I thought that maybe we imagined it — some odd food poisoning mixed with watching/hearing William Shatner sing/speak a stoner song from the early 70’s — but, no, I checked and it is there — on the DVD to terrify all of us!
Hey, Underling…you can find it on line. I did a bit of research by typing in “Dinah Shore Portal to Hell” in Yahoo and found some options to purchase it. According to Matt, this company has other wonderfully offensive pieces of art available. I think that’s where he also found the Barbie Doll version of the Karen Carpenter Story.
Yeah, I found the site about 10 minutes later. Have put both Dinah Shore and Superstar on order already! Woo-Hoo! My brother’s been looking for a copy of Superstar for years…
Forgive me my unrelenting hetero, xx chromosome perspective, but here it is.
OK, listen, as disturbing as this Period Story thing sounds – and you’re right, it does – I promise that unless it came with some sort of virtual cramp module, you’re really just dealing with the ick factor and not the true horror of the thing. Or, maybe, if it starts playing on you in the middle of the night when you’re not expecting it. That’s bad. OR, OR OR OR, you insert the DVD and expect it to play…but it doesn’t? For like eight days, and THEN the virtual cramp module kicks in and wrecks your sheets… THEN, then my beloved Snarl, you will have experienced the full horror of the thing. Pretty much.
William Shatner + The Period Show, especially in one night, does sound pretty bad though, I’ll give you that.
I’m glad I’m without vagina.
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