Restless Journey: Finding a Place to Fit In But Not to Settle

A story of a Harvard student going through IVF

Date: February 24, 2016

Day 1 after knowing miscarriage

Sitting by the phone all morning and waiting for the clinic to confirm a date/time for a DC surgery.

The feeling of carrying a dead fetus in my body sucks. I want to move on (both emotionally and physically) but knowing it is still in my body, making the whole grieving process so difficult. There’s nothing you can control.

I just want to put on my sneakers and run off my pain. But I can’t do it. My body is still functioning as a 10 weeks + old pregnancy woman…I can’t run with this gravity.

I can’t put my mind together for the things I need to do today: study, prep for case study, replying professor’s Qs. Nonetheless, I have a group meeting this Sun. What if my surgery is being held Fri? Will I still have the strength to make the call? Or should I ditch it? But no! I need something to keep me occupied. I can’t control the life of a fetus. At least, I have a say in my education, my grade.

My dog seems to know something is up. She has been following me all morning but didn’t harass me for foods or anything. I think animal’s instinct is pretty remarkable. Her companion is priceless, esp in this stage.

I just want to run. Have my head up and run as long as I can…

 

 

My 10-week gift

I found out I was pregnant just a few days before J-term started.

I was so worry that I would lose this child, given the intensity and nerve wrecking schedule in only 3-4 weeks.

Surprisingly, my child survived in my womb, even through the snow storm and traveling.

I carried the 6 weeks old baby back to my hometown California right before Spring semester started. I thought that it would be a happy ending as my baby would finally see daddy. I could finally enjoy the pregnancy with my partner. That was the happiest day. My loneliness has finally ended.

It was miracle to hear its heart beat the very first time in the clinic. I never wanted children before. But carrying a child with the love of your life was such a loving and beautiful experience. You dream about raising this child with your partner. You fantasize the conversation you would have with him/her one day. For every single step you take since you heard the heart beat, you want to make sure that little pea in the womb is getting the best comfort and safety ever.

For the past 10 weeks, I went from size 0 to XL. The feeling of bloating and muscle pain made me feel all worth it. I was anticipating the very next ultrasound so that I would get to see his/her heartbeat again. I counted every hour, every day. Nothing is more important than the little soul.

Just when I thought I could see its movement on the black and white screen this morning, I saw a lifeless baby in an enlarge sac instead. There was no heartbeat. It dated 7 weeks and 4 days, the max days the fetus had survived.

I was supposed to be in my 10 weeks 3 days pregnancy today. As it turned out, my baby has already left us almost 3 weeks ago. Doctor said my body has yet to detect the miscarriage and therefore, I am still experiencing pregnancy symptoms.

I never cried that hard before. But I didn’t know what to do except hugging my husband and cried my lung out. I think the folks in the next exam room could hear me sobbing. It was not about the disappointment. It is more about mourning the death of your child, even you have never met in person.

You fell in love with someone whom you only knew for a couple month. And now, you realize that this person had quietly slipped away from you life. I have been cheering for a dead body in my womb for 3 weeks.

From a medical point of view, I am literally carrying a dead tissue.

I still want to name this article as “My 10-week gift”. It is because the existence of this little baby did give me the joy of being a mother, the center of love for 10 whole weeks. I see the world differently. I begin taking good care of myself, my body. It was a beautiful and grateful 10 weeks journey.

But for now, I have to move on… Mommy needs to do what is best for her body.

I need to schedule a DC surgery to remove the tissue within the few days. Or else, the chances of getting an internal infection is big.

I am still trying to find the enlightenment and meaning from this event. I might never will.

But at least, I am grateful for these 10 weeks journey.

I love you baby. Wherever you are, you’ll always be in daddy and mommy’s heart.