Restless Journey: Finding a Place to Fit In But Not to Settle

A story of a Harvard student going through IVF

Date: March 6, 2016

Why I choose not to keep my miscarriage as a secret

Soon after I knew about my miscarriage, I started looking up tons of information (solutions, causes, diagnosis test, etc). But surprisingly, the only take away I had after reading pages and pages of info…the only thing that stick in my mind was “we all grief differently. Don’t force your partner to grief the way as yours…”

It all came down to what I want to do to make this pain less hurtful.

I wanted the world to send blessing for my unborn child. First and foremost, wherever s/he is, I wanted this child to be accompanied with love and peace.

So I immediately texted a friend of mine in Kauai, who goes to a local temple. I asked her to give us a prayer.

I also wanted my close friends and families to know I need companions. I needed someone to grieve and cry with me. I am too fragile to handle this all alone. I lost a child. How can I bury it with silence? Why should I bury myself with pain and loneliness? So I went to my personal blog, made the announcement and sent it to a few people.

The responses were surprisingly warm and loving. While we have no families and relatives nearby, the virtual connection from texts, email and phone call were essential for me to survive the first (darkest) few days.

A couple days later, I wanted more people to know. Not much about asking people to sob with me…but I want the bigger world to know my child, our child has left us. It’s a life that deserves attention and love. Yet, s/he didn’t make it to see the world. I want ‘us’ to recognize his/her presence. I want our baby to know ‘we’ are showering him/her with love and gratitude.

It is also an ‘outlet’ for me to send a message to the world that I could never reach.

And then I hit the ‘Post’ button on Facebook and left my blog URL there.

For the next few days, I was floored by the support and messages across the globe. From Sweden to Canada to Hong Kong, people are sharing their experiences, thoughts and warm wishes with us.

I am not alone in this journey. I am wrapped around by kindness, love and humanity.

They might not cure my pain. But they sure touched and warmed my heart and soul.

A Vow to You

Hi baby,

Mommy has been thinking about what’s the best way to remember you. Some parents who went through the similar experience might plant a tree, make a necklace with the baby name/birthday, or sponsoring a memorial chair in the park or something…

As much as your mommy loves tree and parks, I can’t imagine seeing a dog peeing on your name (thanks to your sister’s best practice =) or termites eating up the tree…

Since you are forever living in my heart, I think the best way to honor you is for mommy to make a vow to you.

I came to realize that (esp after reading Martha Beck’s article on Labyrinth) it is not much about what enlightenment or meaning I can get from your departure. Rather, it is how you’ve changed me since you came to my life. With this vow, mommy will carry you and will turn the meaning of your existence to make this (and my) world a better place.

With this vow…

I will take good care of myself as it’s the best way to honor you.

I will try to use my ‘new set of eyes’ to see this world. To make peace. To seek the most comfort in every moment.

If daddy and I are fortunate to pregnant (with your brother / sister) again, I will make sure I’ll spend each and every single day with your daddy. No trip or long distance alone.

I will put my happiness and comfort above all.

I will forever treasure the time and days we spent together.

I will forgive more. Try to leave no pain behind.

I will live my life to the fullest as it’s the best way to honor you, my first child.