Restless Journey: Finding a Place to Fit In But Not to Settle

A story of a Harvard student going through IVF

Date: March 11, 2016

Frozen

I would be lying to you if I told you I have fully recovered.

The most difficult part of saying farewell to your unborn child is…you can’t bury the body, you don’t get to see / hold for the very last time, you don’t really know when ‘exactly’ it passed. And above all, you don’t have a closure.

None of the human experience can prepare you for that

I don’t know how others process it. After reading miscarriage forums for weeks, my case is just 1 of 100xx of many families experienced. A lot of women miscarried more than 3x and are still trying. I applaud them. But I don’t see myself there….I am already ‘frozen’. I don’t know how to move forward.

If all goes well, I am graduating in 2 months. I don’t know how to respond to Qs like “what do you want to do after that?”, “have you been interviewing or looking for jobs?” or “how do you want to make use of your degree?”

No offense to all. It might not be socially acceptable to say “I don’t know”. It might even be a ‘sin’ as I seem to check myself out from the job market…ditching all social events in the Valley, where ‘breaking the ceiling’ is what we are ought to do…

All I know is…I want to return to the time when my baby and I were happily jogging along the Charles River. I want to re-live the moment when ‘we’ both shared a bowl of tomato pork soup based ramen in Somerville.

I just Tomato & Pork Soup Base Ramen in Somervillewant to live.

Sapphire for September

I want to carry something that would help me remember my baby. Its birthday (due date) is Sept 16. Birthstone for Sept is Sapphire. A week after I had my DC surgery, I ordered a handmade necklace with a Sapphire stone from Kansas, thinking I would get to wear it wherever I go…Ironically, I forgot my skin is sensitive to metal. Upon I put the necklace on, I developed rash all over my chest. It became even worse after numerous of night sweat (typical symptom after child birth). This happened just like how some people explain the cause of miscarriage, that is your body would simply reject / discontinue the development when ‘it’ is not meant to be….

I refused to just put this necklace aside. The color of the Sapphire stone is so beautiful that just like how this baby ‘shines’ in my heart. Thanks to my dad who left me zillions of plastic wire ties when he last visited me… I then took the Sapphire stone pendant from the necklace, tied it to my Alex & Ani bangle bracelet with my husband’s initial on it. I cut the tail of the tie and burnt the edge a little bit just to polish the end. It is far less than perfect from the professional jewelry maker (plus I ain’t a good hand crafter at all). But at least, I get to wear it now.

At least, it’s something I can physically hold on….

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