Restless Journey: Finding a Place to Fit In But Not to Settle

A story of a Harvard student going through IVF

Date: March 16, 2016

A $5000 Outpatient Surgery

I worked in the healthcare business for more than 15 years. I stand for health equality and women’s health access for all my life. But today, just like the 99% of the American folks, I too was struck by my medical bill.

Like all smart customers, we should have asked about the price and all details before payment. When it comes to life crisis (such as miscarriage and all things related), you don’t have much choices as a patient but to accept the reality.

My DC surgery was considered an outpatient procedure that doesn’t require hospital stay. And I am fortunate to say that my OBGYN did a fabulous job. I didn’t have any infection or serious side effects afterward. She really saved me physically and mentally (without going through additional drama).

I received the bill from the medical group today. To my relief (after insurance coverage/deduction), the leftover balance is about $1000.

But for the record, the whole DC surgery plus the blood tests prior to the procedures are a little over $5000. No joke.

I chose not to take the abortion pill at home because I know for sure..that I won’t be able to deal with the graphic and emotional trauma as seeing my baby passing from my body.

Instead, I opt for the ‘extravagant’ solution. I paid someone (my Dr) to do it for me. When my Dr said “you won’t remember a thing about how it happened. You’ll also bleed less.” I immediately made up my mind.

I am fortunate to have this option. But for many women out there, they have no other choices. Some might not even have health coverage. Just thinking of that….really hurts me.

I still can’t tell you what I will do after my graduation. I honestly don’t know how my degree can make the world a better place…

Yet, I hope we can all stand behind those who continuously fight for women health access. I hope we will never neglect those who need care and comfort.

It’s Spring Break!

It’s Spring Break. I should be excited. I should be playing outdoor or binge watching Netflix and do nothing.

Instead, I’m feeling nervous and anxious. A simple group meeting or any exchanged conversations with classmates would make me unease.  I tracked every word I said/wrote. I am seeking for ‘approval’. I’m worry about how people judge me. I don’t want people to think I am slacking around or not contributing to any projects.

I am tired of pulling a ‘racism’/’sexism’/ ‘leanIn’/’management guru’  checklist to whatever communication I’ve encountered. And I try to keep my vow with my baby that I should have a new set of eye to see this world differently. I tried to seek the most comfort in all situation. But sometimes, I just have to bite my tongue and to defend my work. I won’t be shy giving you my feedback, if you give me the invitation.

But I am tired. Probably because I’ve been thinking too much. I’ve been too sensitive. And I’ve been making a lot of judgement to others and to myself.

I just want to lay down and to feel the Summer breeze.