I have “Lean In Supporter” as part of my LinkedIn title.
I’ve been supporting the message and notion by Lean In as early as it started. But the incident of losing my first child really makes me rethink my personal belief and …literally everything.
Here’s a quote I keep in my home office:
“20 years from now you will be more disappointed by things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do…” by Mark Twain.
The reason I posted it on my wall was intended to be a reminder of my own aspiration. I wanted to climb up the ladder, have more ‘skin in the game’, and/or being able to start my own project one day and to make some (+) changes.
Till I became pregnant, everything changed. My own focus was shifted to protecting my own child and building a family with the love of my life, my husband.
It was so intimate, so full of purposes and so tangible. It might slow down my career plan but that doesn’t matter to me anymore.
And when I lost its heart beat, when I knew I wouldn’t be able to meet this child in person, I began to wonder what will eventually make me regret 20 years later….
The truth that my husband might never become a father would be my biggest disappointment and even guilt in my lifetime.
But I hate to have “trying to conceive” as my ‘life priority’ now as it will add emotional and physical pressure to me and to us. I am not brave and courageous enough like others, who could bear multiple losses and still keep their heads up. (No offense to others) But I still believe that it is supposed to be a joyful, yet stress free journey. And if we let our ‘ego’ take over our relationship, it will just defeat the whole purpose. And that won’t be the life we envision to have.
Yet, I am scare that I’ll eventually and unintentionally let myself to prioritize my career ahead of everything else.
I don’t want to “Lean In” like I used to. I am practically in limbo.