Restless Journey: Finding a Place to Fit In But Not to Settle

A story of a Harvard student going through IVF

Month: March 2016 (page 2 of 2)

A Vow to You

Hi baby,

Mommy has been thinking about what’s the best way to remember you. Some parents who went through the similar experience might plant a tree, make a necklace with the baby name/birthday, or sponsoring a memorial chair in the park or something…

As much as your mommy loves tree and parks, I can’t imagine seeing a dog peeing on your name (thanks to your sister’s best practice =) or termites eating up the tree…

Since you are forever living in my heart, I think the best way to honor you is for mommy to make a vow to you.

I came to realize that (esp after reading Martha Beck’s article on Labyrinth) it is not much about what enlightenment or meaning I can get from your departure. Rather, it is how you’ve changed me since you came to my life. With this vow, mommy will carry you and will turn the meaning of your existence to make this (and my) world a better place.

With this vow…

I will take good care of myself as it’s the best way to honor you.

I will try to use my ‘new set of eyes’ to see this world. To make peace. To seek the most comfort in every moment.

If daddy and I are fortunate to pregnant (with your brother / sister) again, I will make sure I’ll spend each and every single day with your daddy. No trip or long distance alone.

I will put my happiness and comfort above all.

I will forever treasure the time and days we spent together.

I will forgive more. Try to leave no pain behind.

I will live my life to the fullest as it’s the best way to honor you, my first child.

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Yearning for Summer Breeze

Today marks the 1st week ‘anniversary’ of my surgery. I am recovering well and hope that I can be back to my daily routine soon.

Thanks to the most patient, loving and caring ‘nurse’ on the planet – my husband. He has no medical background =) but I wouldn’t be able to go through this ordeal if he wasn’t here with me. I sweat so much in the middle of night these days that he has to wake up at least a few times to help me change clothes. He powers through work just to try to get home early enough to check on me and walk our dog. And thanks to the universe for such a flexible working schedule. He almost has never left my bedside since it all started.

Sometimes I think…if I didn’t have this experience, I would have taken all these for granted.

In the mid of catching up homework and study, I managed to read a very inspiring article yesterday called “The Labyrinth of Life” by Martha Beck.

Here it said …

“In the moments you stop trying to conquer the labyrinth of life and simply inhabit it, you’ll realize it was designed to hold you safe as you explore what feels dangerous. You’ll see that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be, meandering along a crooked path that is meant to lead you not onward, but inward. “

“And as you learn to see the dappled loveliness of your life, as your new eyes help you begin loving the labyrinth, you’ll slowly come to realize that the labyrinth was made solely for the purpose of loving you.”

At this very moment, I just want to wear my dress, walk along the beach with my husband and feel the Summer breeze…

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My head hurts

Today is my 5th day after the surgery. My head hurts so much that even Advil can’t help.

It only occurs to my right side of my head. I can even feel exactly where it hurts. It’s like something bruising behind my right eye ball.

I can’t really follow my study / homework schedule. Luckily, my classmates are wonderful enough to help out. And I was able to complete another assignment last night. Even I skipped today’s session with my tutor, at least I am not too behind.

I felt guilty for 15 mins for lying on my bed and ditching my meeting with tutor. But then the ‘inner me’ said “you’ve done your homework yesterday anyway. And if lying here makes your head feel better, then by all means, do what’s the best for your body now…”

So I turned off my alarm, kept my dog on my tummy and closed my eyes.

It was the most peaceful, comfortable, pain-free 30 mins nap till it was time to feed my dog.

Slow is fast. Gentle is powerful and stillness moves mountains.

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