I am fortunate enough to have several job interview(s) after graduation. But as it turns out, I have yet to meet a company that excites me. Some are just not a good fit. A good friend of mine once told me that we have to be thankful for those whom rejected us. It is because they do us a huge favor by preventing us from ‘disasters’ – I think that is VERY TRUE.
For the past 3 years at Harvard, I was trained to be in a competitive environment (thanks to the traditional school / GPA system…). It wasn’t a hostile – ‘dog eats dog’ situation, but rather a ‘race’. A race that requires you to correctly answer numerous Qs in the least amount of time; a race that pushes you to be the exceptional among others.
I start to realize that type of environment has turned me into someone that relies on validation. I became obsessed with score, prizes and judgement from others. It seems to me that I have been using the whole job hunting / interview process as a way to validate myself, in the absence of exams and scoring. I felt devastated when someone rejected me or criticized my qualification; I felt less of myself when I didn’t land a job that seems to be related to my major.
I felt excited when someone was inviting me to interviews, yet deep deep down, I secretly prayed for not being employed. I get goosebumps when someone is showing interest to hire me or telling me a ‘start date’.
So I then realized…I was using the job application system for self validation. I need to stop.
For the past few days, I resumed my meditation routine. It is my way to listen to my own intuition. I always receive good vibes or even messages while meditating. Here are the words I received these days:
“circumstances and judgement do not define your characters, your value and your souls.”
“you are empowered by love.”
“you are much bigger than you thought about yourself.”
“you must treasure what you have now. Your freedom is luxury.”
“your heart leads to you destiny.”
If you ask me what I want to do after graduation, my heart is telling you that I don’t want to work for somebody. I want to build something that I can own and treasure.
I am on the road called ‘my own destiny’.