In college, a test or an exam always takes place in a control environment. You already knew what to prepare, the duration of the test and when your results will come back. Test after test, semester after semester…sometimes I wonder, my 4.0 GPA wasn’t a reflection of my intelligence. Rather, it just demonstrates how well I know the system and my devotion to ‘nail’ it.
Yeah I know….here comes my ‘impostor syndrome’ again.
BUT…you would agree with me that our world is a far more complicated place and we are being tested by your relationship, career, and literally everything every day!
What my miscarriage has taught me is that the road to recovery and the journey of ‘try again’ do put your marriage in an ultimate test. The physical and emotional drain do kill the ‘romance’…let alone the challenge of ‘timing’. One time, I almost ‘gone crazy’ when we were traveling and sharing an Airbnb unit with a group of friends during my ‘most fertile window’. Knowing I will lose the ‘chance’ to try this month due to lack of privacy immediately brought me from cloud nine to hell. I was upset, depressed and wondering why my husband did not treasure our time together. Instead, he chose to play board game with others till the break of dawn! I felt like I have become the old lady in the house as I was the first one crawling to bed not long after dinner.
And like many couples who married for many years, we are beyond the stage of “steamy teen romance”. It is not easy to recreate the ‘passion’ in the middle of a busy week, if that happens to be the Peak day (according to the OPK…)
Week after week, tests after “tests”…even an iron man would start wondering ‘Why?’ – why am I doing this? Where will this lead me to?
I ask myself these Qs zillion times. I could have stopped what I am doing and go pursue a high paid position that would require me to travel around the world; I could leave this home and move across the country to start a brand new life. I could just let go everything – the life we built together.
But I know I can’t resist of not seeing the man I love to become a father, and I can’t see myself living a fulfilling life without my husband aside. If we can’t pass these tests, there is no possible way we could parent our future kid(s) together. Every demon I am fighting is a spiritual lesson prior to becoming a parent. I don’t need to prove myself to the world; I just need to keep myself grounded.
At the end of each day, I know my unborn child, the one I lost on Feb 26, 2016, has already served his greatest purpose even he didn’t make it to full term.