I used to envy about a lot of things: people’s background, connection, job titles, intelligence, accents…you name it!

I think that has a lot to do with how I was being raised. My mom (or maybe mostly Asians) always said something like “See? So and so are getting good grades on their finals!” or “they must be very rich…not like us!” Because of those kind of mindset, I have been in a journey called “never ending envy”. Or I called it “NEE” syndrome.

It was until recently that I saw a quote from Martha Beck saying “what people think about you is none of your fxxking business!” That was such a relief!

Yet, with the setback of my miscarriage, I envy again of people’s pregnancy. When I saw couples holding a cute baby or a pregnant woman walking on the street, I would immediately say to myself “why I couldn’t be one of them?”

It hurts. I cried.

A former mentee of mine announced her second pregnancy over a month ago. Her first born is about to turn 1 year old. Looking at her baby pictures and seeing the smile on her face made me wonder “why this can happen to her so easily?”

Just when my level of jealousy reached sky high…I received some shocking news last night – she has just been diagnosed with acute leukemia. Her pregnancy has to be terminated due to treatments.

My heart broke. My tears are becoming a sea. I simply cannot imagine how one can survive through this ordeal – a life and death decision of your child before the beginning of your own painful battle, which only has 50% chance of winning…How could someone have the strength to do it? I know I can’t.

Here I am. Looking around myself. I have health and time, the luxury that allows me to be TOGETHER with my love ones.

All these things are PRESENT…so why should I find things to envy about?! Why not embracing what we have now and be content?

Can I? Can we?