Fashion Victim

Here goes the third consecutive blog entry chronicling my fashion-challenged self.

If you read my blog from the past few days, you’ll recall how I was absolutely clueless when it came to purchasing dress shirts. However, after two days and 5 different shops, I found some shirts that fit reasonably well. My other funeral preparations included buying some black dress shoes and getting a haircut. I thought I was all set.

But last night around 11PM I was laying out my clothes for the funeral when I realized I was missing one critical item. Suit? check. Dress shirt? check. Dress shoes? check. Tie? um…….

Yep, it appears that Matt inherited all of the ties when we broke up last year. Of course, I only discovered this after all local stores were closed the night before the funeral. Meanwhile, my cousin was picking me up at 7:30 AM (before stores open) to drive me to western Massachusetts. UGH. Fortunately, I was able to borrow a tie once I got to my brother’s place.

Remember how I talked about being white trash in my posting from Tuesday? Well, hopefully you believe me now.

Anyway, the funeral went really well. The weather was bright and sunny and Heather looked healthier than she had for months (ironic that she looked healthier when she was no longer living). Without the tubes and without the swelling, she looked like a perfectly normal and peaceful 3 year old girl. In the casket with her was her favorite blanket.

I’ve been to countless funerals in my life – all of them obviously sad. But there’s something about seeing a child in a casket. It just doesn’t look right. The casket was tiny – so compact that it only required three people to carry it to the hearse (two in front, one in back). In fact, it most likely could have been carried by two people, but it looked better to have the trio.

But then I embarrassed myself yet again. As we sat in our cars waiting for the body to be moved to the hearse, the funeral director motioned for us to turn on our headlights. My cousin, Karen, rented a car so we were both unfamiliar with where to find certain features. Well, as the driver, I twisted one lever thinking it was the headlights but it was, in fact, the windshield wipers. Flustered, I kept twisting it more and more but the damn things wouldn’t shut off. Oh no, on this gloriously sunny day, they just started operating faster and faster.

My cousin was leaning over trying to help but all I think she managed to do was to turn the cruise-control on and off over and over again. Eventually, we started laughing hysterically. Nothing would stop the wipers from going. Nothing.

And we still had no headlights. Soon enough, the tears of sadness turned to tears of hysteria. My sister-in-law’s mother was in the next car and kept glancing over. She surely must have thought we were the most insensitive pair on earth. Ultimately, I found out that the headlights function by pushing a button on the dash board (what’s up with that?). And we eventually got the windshild wipers to cease functioning (I’m not even sure how, to be honest).

Anyway, after the graveside prayers, we headed out to lunch and then drove back home. There’s one more memorial next week and I hope by then to have some ties of my own. And at least I’m more familiar with my parents car.


  1. Comment by matt on September 22, 2005 2:22 am

    I’m so sorry, Karl. Hang in there. …that’s all you can do.

    Oh, but for the record — you didn’t want the ties. Remember? You made fun of me for keeping them. ?

  2. Comment by karyn on September 22, 2005 8:33 am

    O my.

    Above comment is soooo not up for public comment, I’ll just be moving along here. 🙂

    Karl, how does having to borrow a tie make you white trash? What does that make me – I’ve borrowed countless things from my friends, from clothes to cars to money to earrings and on and on. Gee, what’s lower on the totem pole than white trash? White crap?

  3. Comment by David on September 22, 2005 9:55 am

    What makes it sadder is that you live mere minutes from Filenes Basement……
    The home of thousands of stray ties just begging to go home with some nice guy….
    I’m glad your family had a nice day though.

  4. Comment by Karl on September 22, 2005 10:02 am

    Oh, did I forget to mention that my brother had to run to his neighbor’s house to get a tie because he could only find the one he was planning to wear? I wore the tie of a man I’d never met.

    As for Matt…ooops. Um, is it too late to ask for a few back? Perhaps before next Wednesday’s memorial?

  5. Comment by Robert on September 22, 2005 11:25 am

    …with her favourite blanky… 🙁 The tears never run dry. But tomorrow is another day and we must move forward, right?

    Fun-knee bit about the wipers… happysad.

  6. Comment by Ronnie on September 22, 2005 1:09 pm

    I say that is just life’s way of telling you that sadness must end and we have to let go of the bad and keep the good. Laughter(even unintentional)is to my mind the best medicine on earth. Karl truthfully that little girl would have been positively giggling if she saw you with the wipers, and I will just bet that she did see and she was giggling.

    As for the tie. You probably could have pulled it off that is to say been fine with out one.

  7. Comment by karyn on September 22, 2005 5:59 pm

    That is the other thing – you have to laugh or else, all is lost. The whole thing is downright grisly. You know my feelings on this.

  8. Comment by Will on September 22, 2005 8:18 pm

    Karl, I’m with Ronnie–I think Heather would have loved watching two intelligent adults setting off every motion and gadget in the car EXCEPT the one you wanted. Bless you both for giving her that pleasure.

  9. Comment by matt on September 23, 2005 1:28 am

    I would have sent you any tie you want, but would need to know the color of your shirt and color/texture of your suit. …sorry. For the first time in my working career, I can wear jeans to work if I choose. I probably won’t be wearing many of them.

    …however, you are right by Filene’s, Macy’s and your fave, H&M. ?

  10. Comment by Brad on September 23, 2005 1:09 pm

    And just so you know, even after owning my car for 5+ years, I still mix up where the lights and windshield wipers are. Oi!

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