A Lesbian Tried to Kill Me Today

I always knew you couldn’t trust a lesbian (except to fix your car)* I was crossing Mass Ave in Cambridge this morning (between Harvard and Porter Squares…near Chang Sho) when I nearly lost my life. For once, though, I had the right of way…I was actually using a cross walk – something completely unheard of in Massachusetts.


Here’s the scenario: I’m bee-bopping along the sidewalk on one side of the street listening to my iPod (shuffle mode…the song was “Let the Music Play, by Shannon). I recalled that I needed money so I decided to go to my bank on the other side of the street. I crossed the two lanes of traffic going in one direction and safely reached the traffic island/median strip. I then continued walking IN THE CROSSWALK toward my destination sidewalk after letting a speeding car go by.


All of a sudden this frosted blonde/manly beast in a black SUV (talking on a cell phone, I might add) was apparently stunned to see an actual pedestrian in the crosswalk for her solution to seeing me in front of her was to honk her horn vigorously and swerve into the (fortunately) empty parking spaces to her right (it also seemed as though she was accelerating as if I was a target – but that’s just speculation). Anyway, after making her big lesbionic scene, she continued honking her horn and waving her left hand at me with some not-so-lady-like gestures.


As she sped away, I could see the blue and yellow equal sign of the Human Rights Campaign in her back window. Despite feeling she and I should have some sort of solidarity, I still wished she’d drive into a telephone pole and suffer a violent and painful death.


But aside from my near death experience this morning, I had a great Sunday to go along with my great Thursday, Friday and Saturday. After some blah day time activities (laundry, groceries), I met up with Mike again at Trinity Church and we headed off to Jae’s (restaurant) for dinner. Then we walked back to the North End – enjoying the early Christmas displays in the tres-gay stores along the way…like Crate and Barrel and Restoration Hardware. At my place, we ate Ben and Jerry’s and watched the Saturday Night Live Special.


I miss Jan Hooks.


 


*This is complete sarcasm….no offense intended. Some of my best friends are lesbians. Well, that’s not really true. But I did date two lesbians.

8 Comments

  1. Comment by Will on November 14, 2005 10:39 am

    What a great weekend, non-stop dating followed by the info that you’ve dated lesbians! And I bet you sailed through it all with “your adorable smile.” 🙂

  2. Comment by e on November 14, 2005 12:42 pm

    I’m glad I wasn’t the one that nearly took your life this morning.

    Um, is it kosher to ask you which lesbians you’ve dated and whether they’re single (or in unhappy relationships) now? It’s so hard to meet people nowadays…

  3. Comment by karyn on November 14, 2005 1:04 pm

    Ok, am I the ONLY person you DIDN’T date? Jesus!

    Speaking of persecution complexes… have I told you lately that you have one? I mean, was Xena, Warrior Driver heading towards you as you stepped into the crosswalk? Because crosswalk or no, it is still common practice to look before we tippytoe out in the street…right of way be damned, that is little consolation if they are scraping you off the street with a spatula… or did you think your adorable smile would save you?

    *snert*

  4. Comment by J.P. on November 14, 2005 1:37 pm

    Suffering Sappho – its the Environator!

    Glad you’re safe. May her SUV run out of gas.

  5. Comment by Brad on November 14, 2005 6:27 pm

    I’m glad to hear that you’ve been eating so much Ben and Jerry’s over the past few days; after all, many people think that you’re way too thin. 🙂

  6. Comment by Sean on November 14, 2005 8:46 pm

    $10 says it was a Subaru Forrester

  7. Comment by matt on November 15, 2005 12:28 am

    Oh, those cell phones! But, you’ve never been a good pedestrian.

  8. Comment by Robert on November 17, 2005 11:19 am

    Maybe that was really a sasquatch on wheels? Y’know how they can’t drive!!!

    Kidding!! Glad you’re safe!

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